Recognizing the need for something else...

I spoke with my Love Lost last night.  Its nice to chat with someone who I have known for 10 years.  (Never really having anyone like that in my life, Carlo means a lot to me).  At the end of our conversation Carlo stated that  
"  you can do Leslie in Barcelona".   That made my day.  Knowing that someone else has that foresight about me.  That statement brought back my smile...


My Love Lost has been through something similar with losing someone and having all of those thoughts of the future just vanish into thin air.  Now, he is telling about that one moment where everything changed, all those happy thoughts of spending the rest of your life with someone have all been dashed against the rocks below.  I felt my own little ping of pain when hearing about this moment for him... it was my own selfishness seeping in.  I wanted to be the one who picked up the pieces of my Love Lost from the rocks.  (there will always be a piece of my heart just for him)

Heartache happens, we all know this but it had such power over our lives. My Love Lost and myself are now making the same statements, losing the love of our life has made the pathway to another love a high mountain pass which is currently closed due to the snow fall. 

My Love Lost went to China to change his future.  He told me last night that was the best thing he had ever done for himself.  Now, I may need something like that in my life.  I have always loved the Spanish guitar. One of my first memories of hearing that music was in a movie, which one.. I don't remember but I do remember the guitar.  Each cord played moved through my body.. I was very young but that was one of the first times I felt passion, joy and having something move me from within.  I was around 10 years old.

So perhaps a change in my future will then be a leap of faith to Spain. The only thing I could do there is teach english.  Now- the question becomes do I leave the career I have started here for the chance to live in Spain?  Which one of these options will give me what I truly need?  Which one will feed my soul and give me back my dynamic smile?

To Ask...

Knowing... that even still, my heart has been taken over,

My thoughts; a gray day...no one would find a four leaf clover-

The memories were a beautiful house of cards, so neatly stacked,

They have been displaced; overcome, overwrought and completely hijacked-

This obsessive process in my mind is constantly decompensated,

It has me disorganized and scattered, I just want to be medicated-

Prozac, Abilify, Morphine; any of those will due,

I am begging you please, be humane let these drugs put my heart someplace new- 

To ask Why?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask Why?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask Why?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                  To ask,
                                                                                                           To just ask...

Jaded; I now sit, looking at all the accumulation of work that needs to be done,

That old adage is true, though I no longer feel the sun-

All I can do is vacantly stare at the mountain of clothes,

My broken body, now on display; it's unclear for how many shows-

From eight thousand ninety one miles away, you sit in your plush asian seat, withholding your nearest touch-

The distance was always cumbersome for both of us but you always used it as a crutch-

Convincing myself that this was enough of a reason to leave- 

It would never hold up when you look at what Adam really did to Eve-   

To ask What if?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask What if?- You know what you put me through...
                 To ask What if?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                              To ask,
                                                                                                       To just ask...

Now, the broken parts of those minutes and months have formed into unimaginable years,

Fate has gone array, my thoughts have never wavered even through the pain and tears-

Closing my eyes, the stories that have been embedded, idealized and should've been condoned-
My love for you has been reduced to memories, that want a life of their very own-    

Those pillaged years have pasted, ten at last count,

Those years... all encompassing, all obsessing have started to surmount.-

The reminders of you are many and often,
Though I know that in your mind I am forgotten-

To ask What happened?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask What happened?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask What happened?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                       To ask,           

                                                                                                               To just ask...

Into what?  I cannot say... to utter those realities would be sacrosanct.

Wanting more then a miracle, I ask the powers to be if my cause can be highly ranked. 

Should I cross myself to save what I can?  

Do I care enough to think there is some unforeseen plan?

The dreams I used to have of us, our family, the home next to the Mediterranean,

Those dreams have been tossed down a hole, into the blackness of the subterranean-

I leave all of this history now with painstaking regret,

Standing on the very edge, I look into the infinite blackness of the oubliette-   

To ask Will you ever?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask Will you ever?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask Will you ever?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                          To ask,
                                                                                                                 To just ask...

 

Understanding that our history was never fully written or recognized,

I am left with nothing, only a heart that will never again be whole or fully realized-

I love you, I love you, I love you- I will always love you beyond my dying day,

On that day you shall receive a token from me to remind you of all I could not say-

My heart will never mend from this desecration,

Perhaps one hope is that this emotional homage will be my salvation-

To ask... I will no longer do such a thing,

Perhaps that will be the remedy I need knowing there will never be a wedding ring-

To ask...

            To just ask....

 

Believing in Fate and Miracles

Miracles... they really do happen everyday....  

I have always thought that in life there are miracles... fate will intervene when needed and all this can happen effortlessly through attempting some sort of balance within your life.  All of this is in accordance with HOW you live your life.
  
So, my thinking then becomes how often is this balance resorted, maintained, groomed ect...

I have had several instances where the only explanation would be this "  balancing act"     or fate or miracles or.....  (karma)

I was buying groceries from Whole Foods, not much.  As I was checking out I realized that I had forgot my wallet.  My day had been so fast pasted I didn't even realize that I left the house without it.  I had some cash with me and I was just going to put some things back when a voice from behind me stated, "Hey, don't worry about it,  I will pay for them."  I could not believe it.  He just swiped his card, before I even had a chance to say Thank you, but....  All I could do was thank him for his generosity (It felt like I said thank you a hundred times.)  I asked him his name, in a very soft voice the stranger stated "Damir".  I thanked him again and one of the cashiers said, "Pay it forward"...  I told them quickly what I do for a living and the stranger stated that he was a special educator in an inner city school.  The stranger said that we were similar souls...



I ended up crying on the way home.  I was overwhelmed by this single act of kindness.  It really is so amazing what one small gesture can do that will in turn impact a person for a life time.

I will never forget that stranger's kindness to another complete stranger....

Looking for Eric(a).....

This is the time of year where we as a collective society are asked to reflect on the last year.  I mostly want to dig a hole and drop my entire year into that hole and pour cement into it (you know, mafia style).

I still most days feel so very lost, alone and longing for Love.  Writing that down sounds so fucking hokey.  I cant stand that I actually admit those feelings to the public.  Yet, after all my bitching is said and done, I miss being Loved more then anything else on earth.  Even though I was not really even loved properly for the last three years, I still remember that feeling when our Love was good.  It really was like feeling the sun from both sides.

Now, I feel so hardened, lost and I am not completely for certain how I will pull off loving someone again.  I know there is a healing process and things will change... blah blah blah... its just getting a little harder each day to wake up knowing that I am alone.  Now, this is not to say I don't have offers- because I do.  I am sure I could fine a rich husband tomorrow if I really wanted that in my life.

The thing is...
Love is the only thing I have ever wanted.
Its that thing that I have been denied most of my life.

When I did have Love, I felt so complete.  No longer feeling like that broken vase that everyone has under their sink pieced together with super glue, I became invincible (or so I thought). Now I have been rendered useless.  I can no longer function as a vase, the water will no stay within me.... I cannot hold the beautiful flowers from my garden....





 Being vulnerable and knowing you are more alone then you have ever been is an awful, sinking feeling. This feelings seems to never really go away... I can only distract myself from that feeling... when I allow myself to sit alone and "feel".  I immediately want to crawl out of my skin.....

I mean....Really?

So....

If I live through this year, there will be one hell of a story tell the grandkids that may never be....

Here is something that I wrote on Thanksgiving... (Truth- the shock has still not worn off)

My entire life I have believed in love.  The love you have for a friend, for your family and for the one.  Loving with a rogue, reckless abandonment style I caused me much grief and heartache through out the years.  The one love that I thought I was always going to be able to count on was the love of my mother and father.  This love is supposed to be bottomless, unconditional and above all place where you learn how to love. 

Being verbally slapped in the face hurts more then the real thing.  Hearing what I was told today made me feel orphaned.  I have said on more then one occasion that my mother is crazy, but I have to say no matter how upset/angry/homicidal I was with/at her I always had love at the base of all my statements which, yes I get sounds off- but it's true.  I would then always try very hard to find the positives and make statements to replace all my negative thoughts. 

Knowing what I know now, will forever change this process.  I get that we all say things in anger and mean about half of what we say.  The line I had drawn in the sand was crossed in an unforgivable way today.  This was originally a very forgiving and understanding line, it was not very deep or ridged.  With age, I had even erased on occasion because of what my mother had been through this past year.  I wanted so badly to believe that it was just her circumstances for why I was at times treated the way I was. Each time I let the line slide, I was always reminded by my mother why I had the line in the first place.  This was the dance that had been happening in our relationship- waning-very taxing. 



The proverbial straw came today.  I had figured that my mother was not ever going to take my divorce well, with all the displacement of her own issues along with the crush of her own dreams (grandchildren) I was going to have to weather the storm.  Yes, there were two separate phone conversations where I lost it on my mother.  Yelling, screaming, digging a trench in the sand where the light line had been drawn.  There was still love there, I would always call back to make sure my mother was ok because in the end...

I love her- she is my mom.

I heard...  what my mother had actually said.   My own mother told people that the divorce was my fault, I was self absorbed and selfish, I didn't work on the relationship, my new friends are all bad influences in my life and they also helped with the downfall of my marriage.  My mom knows why I am getting divorced.  Its all about each person's happiness and recognizing that in the current state I was with with my ex we were going to end up hating each other... thus, the separation and inevitable divorce.  We don't hate each other, we are working on being friends and we are still supporting each other (like adults)-

Then the kicker, my mother went to the basement of her home and stood in front this very large book collection for children and stated, "I collected/made all of this for my grandchildren, What the hell am I going to do with all of this now I am never going to have any grandchildren?"  ( I never asked her to do any of this)
I was a little taken aback that she also thinks I am an alcoholic and my mother managed to throw my father under the bus blaming him for my divorce as well.  There was more to all the this information I received but the initial shock that I was experiencing blurred the rest of the conversation.  I can however say for certain, there was nothing flattering about the rest of the conversation. 

            The fucking grand canyon is now the line between my mother and myself....

Now that I have been processing all this information, my emotional train wreck of a childhood makes more sense. (If you asked my mother about my childhood... she was a saint and did all that she could for me.  Which, I know she believes. I will not take that away from her.  I will however stand solidly for my side of the story regardless of the fall out that may happen.)  All I was ever looking for was unconditional love.  Knowing that my mother's love is conditional and my father (during my childhood) was emotionally unavailable molded my emotional neediness and constant search for affections.  Which we all know where young girls look for affections, particularly when the girls are very pretty.... boys.  The chain reaction of events that happened to me caused insurmountable damage that has taken me a decade to address.

The unbelievable amount of distrust that was build from that hour conversation may last a life time.  Never thinking that I would ever be pushed to this type of decision with my Mother... For now, all I know is what my anger wants me to do right now...

 I want to be vengeful, cruel and teach her a lesson,  but I also have the knowledge as a therapist to know that all of those things will never really help or make me feel better.  I will continue to love my Mother from a distance.  I will ALWAYS and I mean always love my Mom.... it will just have to be in a way that helps us both grow and move towards positive change.

I do Love you Moomers.... (no matter what you think)

 

Did you know the Universe does backflips?

I am always amazed at how many times my world has crumbled this year.  After each devastation there always a whip lash in the opposite direction.  What is astonishing about these series of events is the devastation is counter balanced with so many wonderful things: a kind stranger, several good friends, a free meal, meeting new people who always have so much to contribute to my life in a very short time, a shoulder to cry on, offers of when-ever, where-ever.

I am so very blessed by these events.  If I did have these people/events happen to me this year, I would have faded into the background and I truly do believe that I would have permanently loss myself.

I will have to make sure that all the people who helped me know to extent of my gratitude because I owe them so much more then I think any of them realize.

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.”

Jean Baptiste Massieu

“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

Albert Pike  

-Thank You-

He wanted [to much and not enough] all at the same time...

 Today.... was a day that my own words would not be able to give truth to the place I inhabited... 

much gratitude

The lyrics from one og my favorite songs may give me some insight (though I am not completely clear how but seemed appropriate) "Quisiera" ...

He wanted to be the air you breathe

                                                Qusiera ser el aire que respiras

he wanted to be the curl in your hair,

                                                quisiera ser el rizo de tu pelo,

he wanted to be your seventh sense,

                                                quisiera ser tu séptimo sentido,

he wanted to be the electricity in your light bulb.

                                                qusiera ser un voltio en tu bombillo.    

Turning on the dawn then kneading the night,

                                               Y prender el alba y amasar la noche, 

Leaveing with you, disguised in the horizon.

                                               y salir contigo, disfrazado de horizonte.

     [Was there ever anything I could have done?]

He wanted that you speak to him when silent

                                              Quisiera que me hablaras cuando callas

Or at least to be the knot in your throat

                                              O al menos ser el nudo en tu garganta

           he wanted to be the chair that endures you,

                                                   quisiera ser la silla que te aguanta, 

                                Your wastebasket of hidden kisses.

                                                    tu zafacón de besos escondidos.

And to count with you and be side by side in the streets

               Y contar contigo y doblar las calles

and to plant the guavas

                     y sembrar guayabas

and to be the sound of a thousand details

                                   y sonar con mil detalles

He wanted, so many more things and he wanted...

                                Quisiera, y tantas cosas más quisiera.

He wanted, so many more things and he wanted...

                                 Quisiera, y tantas cosas más quisiera.

Reveling in your eyes, to celebrate your name and leaving with you

                                  Reveler tus ojos, celebrar tu nombre y salir contigo

disguised in the horizon.

                                 Disfrazado de horizonte

He wanted to be the smoldering in your eyes,

                                          Quisiera ser el asa de tus ojos,

the calcium that your vitamins give you,

                                          el calcio que te dan tus vitaminas,

your route when you cross the fog,

                                          tu ruta cuando cruzas la neblina,

And the umbilical cord of your shoes.

                                         y el cordón umbilical de tu zapatos.

                                                                               

  [Why did you hold on to the wrong pieces?]

And to count with you and be side by side in the streets

               Y contar contigo y doblar las calles

and to plant the guavas

                     y sembrar guayabas

and to be the sound of a thousand details

                                   y sonar con mil detalles

He wanted so many more things and he wanted...  

 Quisiera, y tantas cosas más quisiera.

He wanted so many more things and.......... he wanted.  

 Quisiera, y tantas cosas más quisiera.

What about what I wanted?  Why have I never considered this?

The inevitable fall out....

I have now sat with a blank computer screen for what feels like an eternity... I am so distracted because of my father being in that terrible accident that nothing else really seems to matter. I do get that this is a normal way to feel but it's still so very unsettling.

I had someone yesterday state, "Leslie, what you have been through in the last year would have broken anyone else." I do recognize this but for some reason I feel like I don't even deserve that kind of recognition. The implication of my strength during difficult times, taking that in and trying to see what others see, I am grasping in the dark with no sign of light or life.

The thoughts I have had about losing my father are crippling me. Every regrettable decision I have made flashed in my mind..... divorcing, no kids, not going home often enough... everything had to do with lacking things in my life.

Lack of:

The fact or condition of not having enough; shortage; deficiency

My fear based thinking has.... made me feel very lonely tonight.

 I wish I could just be with my Dad right now....

I am wishing for the bar floor...

Today was one of those days where.... at roughly 10:30am I realized, there was nothing that could be done as far as the set of circumstances that were set into play.

I have so much to write but considering the condition I am in... I will have to keep it short....

Overwhelmed by the set of circumstances thus..... cut off phase will be starting in 3...2.....

I was objectified by my a clients father in front of a colleague... who subsequently said nothing and tried to convince me that the father has a "crush" on me.... and I do understand that it may not have been a good time to address the issue I cannot get over that this is the one place our client has an issue....
(fyi... still inappropriate in front of our client)

phone numbers wrong....
                        fax did not go through....
                                          mis-communication...
                                                                not taking responsibility for your actions...


(At one point hated so many people... a hit list would have been useful...)

I have a client with so many different things going with him that I felt completely useless...

This day did not end at work... my date for that evening had to cancel because his father unexpectedly went into the hospital....

THEN..

I got a phone call that changed my entire world.  It was that type of call where I will always be able to recall every single second during that call.... those images are burned into my memory....

The phone call was to inform me of my worst nightmare...
My father had a horrible motorcycle accident.... no news on his condition.

My entire world split second was gone and it felt like I had taken my very last breath....

The gift of hanging on to history...

I have this great 1950's record player. It's this big, clunky, heavy as shit, kind with a top that lifts up. As much as I have loathed moving it around. I am so happy that I kept it. I love the quirky little details like what today, we would call the volume is marked as 'Loudness' on this record player. Tonight I just out of the blue I would bust out my old records. I listened to all kinds of music tonight and it was so nice to just hang out at my new place and do something that I loved to do but I had not made the time before. Everyday, I realize how much of myself that I really lost due to Love and the last seven years.

How did I ever allow so many essential parts of my being become constricted, lost and beaten down?

What happened to me was so against everything I stood for, my personality and my core values. I let go of all those parts of me for Love. Writing that down makes me feel sick to my stomach. Love.... I love, Love. Is that really the best reason I can come with? I almost completely lost everything about myself and that is my answer. I was really willing to sacrifice that much... which looking at the past 7 years all my sacrifice did was cause a prolonging of the inevitable decline. Perhaps.... perhaps not....

Love is.

Passion... Obsession.... Someone you can't live without.

If you are lacking in any of these.....

Then the expectation cannot be much....

Fall head over heels.

I say, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.

How? How would you come across someone that would be 'the one'?

Forget your head, the rules, the game and listen to your heart.

Yes, the heart.

If I'm not hearing the heart.

Then just let things be... and be ok with that, I mean really ok.

Yes, you will run the risk,

The greatest risk of all....

   

        [a broken heart]

The truth is....

There is no sense living your life without Love.

To make that journey and not fall deeply in love...

Well, you haven't lived a life at all.

You have to try....

Friend extending hand.. pick me off bar floor

Stand.

Balance.

Today, started and ended well. My day was full, busy, times of fury which led me to rally at work like I used to. That felt good. Good, as in "Yes, I just fixed a potential nightmare and did so in 4 inch heels".

Inhale

Exhale

Really breathing, for weeks I have been taking shallow, erratic breaths, never feeling like my lungs were full. Slowly gaining stability will pay off in the end. My impulsive nature will continue to get the best of me some days but I will prevail. It's just what I do.

Speaking with a dear friend tonight always gives me an amazing fulfillment that I know for a very long time was clearly missing from my life. Today for so much of the day I did not feel 'alone'. Which I have to take note is; I did not need a boy to obtain this feeling. (Leslie, remember the lesson you learned today)

My dear friend is also in a major transition in her life. Which I will keep our conversation placed safely within. I will instead leave this post with a poem from Pablo Neruda.

This is for you Laurel...

The Light Wraps You

The light wraps you in its moral flame

Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way

against the old propellers of the twilight

that revolves around you

Speechless my friend,

alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead

and filled with the lives of fire,

pure heir ruined day.

A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment.

The great roots of night

grow suddenly from your soul,

and the things that hide in you come out again

so that a blue pallid people,

your newly born, takes nourishment.

Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave

of the circle that moves in turn through the black and gold

rise, lead and possess creation

so rich in life that its flowers perish, and it is full of sadness.

Where gray business suits fear to tread ....

Today, I have to say, I saw a moment of my future, though 3 margaritas into my paperwork, that sliver of a moment is fleeting at best. I attempted to call my student loan company to explain my current situation and I was stone walled.... I suppose there are, not matter what the circumstances are, where- empathy need not apply... actually; rigid, bullshit, all white men in the gray business suits fear to tread areas of our lives. I was left with 2 choices; take all forbearance that is left on my loan, which only delays the inevitable (and shocker, makes more $ for my loan company) or stop paying and allow my credit to but compromised.

After that....and feeling like the only way to meet my feelings half way was to cry....I really wanted to defect to another country. Living in the United States just seems to be more trouble then what its worth. (I really dislike my current mindset.) I hate that I question my Master's degree ONLY because of how much money it has cost me. I HATE even more that I looked at a loan statement today and realized that I have paid over 5,000 dollars and I actually still owe more then original loan. If there was no APR, I would be half way through paying my loan. While on the phone with one of my loan companies, I was composed, logical, rational and above all nice. This meant nothing to the person on the other end of the phone line. To be put in this circumstance, it feeds my dark side... that side that is whispering... "just give up... why are you still trying to save the world, its not worth it".

(Like that scene from the movie "Scrooged, where Bill Murray's character, Frank Cross sees the possible future.  Frank Cross sees what the comment he made to Karen Allen's character Clair did.  Clair became a shallow, soulless, bitch.  She had given up on helping others.)

That feeling of [is it all really worth it?] is the worst.  It always leads me into a tail spin of self deprecation and hopelessness for life's bigger picture. 

Being this dis-heartened well.... is just that. (rip my heart from my chest) There is a much needed act of kindness, for both my thoughts of my marriage dying and knowing that all the kids I have helped could end up with one less person in their lives who gives a shit.

 No one in the this situation deserves that fate....

Looking for Buddha on the Bar floor....

Knowing I have to do this and really not wanting to start, I am sitting here shaking my head and smirking because deep down I actually would rather throw up then admit any of what I am planning on writing down. At this point I am able to recognize that if I don't do something- I will not make it to my 31st birthday. What I mean by this is that my life has so little meaning, my future is unforeseeable and this feeling of being utterly alone has created this oubliette within me.

I am in a little Frenchesque cafe looking at the owners little boy and seeing what should have been my little boy. That should be me scolding my son and having him lovingly roll his eyes at me (as a mother I would know that deep down, my son would be desperately needing me). That little boy is about the age that my son would have been if I would have pushed harder to start a family with my Tainted Love. (Welling up now- Leslie stop it.... Just stop it.....) Smiling to over come the tears, my thoughts wander towards reveling that our potential little boy would have been just as mischievous as the boy I am watching now. The feelings I am having now shift between joy of watching a happy mother and desperate jealously knowing that I will never have what I was currently witnessing. (At least nothing like that in the immediate future.)

So, there are many questions that I need to answer but for now I will have to ask...

What can I do with all the little jagged pieces of me that are at the bottom of the cliff?

The answer to that question may take me a lifetime to know but I am now brought to the point that I have to recognize what turns my life has taken... Which includes: more happy/fun/debaucherous moments then I had had in a very long time. Recognizing that I have missed my social being and seeing the shadow I had become..... an intervention was needed. Hitting the ground running, I rallied. I went out every night I could spare. The realization that I LOVE going out, meeting people, experiencing new places and just being out. I have many stories that will be worth repeating later on.Whether these actions I have taken will show me enlightenment, I suppose its not completely out of the question to find Buddha on the bar floor.    

Though...the pendulum has now swung in both directions, there is now a desire for balance.  I had to see the eventual tail spin quickly approaching. The fun has lost its flair and I am now staring back into my internal oubliette...

I hate, and I mean HATE what I have to admit right now today; I am impulsive, a complete commit-a-phob which goes so well with the fact that I can't stand being alone... Balance..?  (Good luck with that one.)