So....
If I live through this year, there will be one hell of a story tell the grandkids that may never be....
Here is something that I wrote on Thanksgiving... (Truth- the shock has still not worn off)
My entire life I have believed in love. The love you have for a friend, for your family and for the one. Loving with a rogue, reckless abandonment style I caused me much grief and heartache through out the years. The one love that I thought I was always going to be able to count on was the love of my mother and father. This love is supposed to be bottomless, unconditional and above all place where you learn how to love.
Being verbally slapped in the face hurts more then the real thing. Hearing what I was told today made me feel orphaned. I have said on more then one occasion that my mother is crazy, but I have to say no matter how upset/angry/homicidal I was with/at her I always had love at the base of all my statements which, yes I get sounds off- but it's true. I would then always try very hard to find the positives and make statements to replace all my negative thoughts.
Knowing what I know now, will forever change this process. I get that we all say things in anger and mean about half of what we say. The line I had drawn in the sand was crossed in an unforgivable way today. This was originally a very forgiving and understanding line, it was not very deep or ridged. With age, I had even erased on occasion because of what my mother had been through this past year. I wanted so badly to believe that it was just her circumstances for why I was at times treated the way I was. Each time I let the line slide, I was always reminded by my mother why I had the line in the first place. This was the dance that had been happening in our relationship- waning-very taxing.
The proverbial straw came today. I had figured that my mother was not ever going to take my divorce well, with all the displacement of her own issues along with the crush of her own dreams (grandchildren) I was going to have to weather the storm. Yes, there were two separate phone conversations where I lost it on my mother. Yelling, screaming, digging a trench in the sand where the light line had been drawn. There was still love there, I would always call back to make sure my mother was ok because in the end...
I love her- she is my mom.
I heard... what my mother had actually said. My own mother told people that the divorce was my fault, I was self absorbed and selfish, I didn't work on the relationship, my new friends are all bad influences in my life and they also helped with the downfall of my marriage. My mom knows why I am getting divorced. Its all about each person's happiness and recognizing that in the current state I was with with my ex we were going to end up hating each other... thus, the separation and inevitable divorce. We don't hate each other, we are working on being friends and we are still supporting each other (like adults)-
Then the kicker, my mother went to the basement of her home and stood in front this very large book collection for children and stated, "I collected/made all of this for my grandchildren, What the hell am I going to do with all of this now I am never going to have any grandchildren?" ( I never asked her to do any of this)
I was a little taken aback that she also thinks I am an alcoholic and my mother managed to throw my father under the bus blaming him for my divorce as well. There was more to all the this information I received but the initial shock that I was experiencing blurred the rest of the conversation. I can however say for certain, there was nothing flattering about the rest of the conversation.
The fucking grand canyon is now the line between my mother and myself....
Now that I have been processing all this information, my emotional train wreck of a childhood makes more sense. (If you asked my mother about my childhood... she was a saint and did all that she could for me. Which, I know she believes. I will not take that away from her. I will however stand solidly for my side of the story regardless of the fall out that may happen.) All I was ever looking for was unconditional love. Knowing that my mother's love is conditional and my father (during my childhood) was emotionally unavailable molded my emotional neediness and constant search for affections. Which we all know where young girls look for affections, particularly when the girls are very pretty.... boys. The chain reaction of events that happened to me caused insurmountable damage that has taken me a decade to address.
The unbelievable amount of distrust that was build from that hour conversation may last a life time. Never thinking that I would ever be pushed to this type of decision with my Mother... For now, all I know is what my anger wants me to do right now...
I want to be vengeful, cruel and teach her a lesson, but I also have the knowledge as a therapist to know that all of those things will never really help or make me feel better. I will continue to love my Mother from a distance. I will ALWAYS and I mean always love my Mom.... it will just have to be in a way that helps us both grow and move towards positive change.
If I live through this year, there will be one hell of a story tell the grandkids that may never be....
Here is something that I wrote on Thanksgiving... (Truth- the shock has still not worn off)
My entire life I have believed in love. The love you have for a friend, for your family and for the one. Loving with a rogue, reckless abandonment style I caused me much grief and heartache through out the years. The one love that I thought I was always going to be able to count on was the love of my mother and father. This love is supposed to be bottomless, unconditional and above all place where you learn how to love.
Being verbally slapped in the face hurts more then the real thing. Hearing what I was told today made me feel orphaned. I have said on more then one occasion that my mother is crazy, but I have to say no matter how upset/angry/homicidal I was with/at her I always had love at the base of all my statements which, yes I get sounds off- but it's true. I would then always try very hard to find the positives and make statements to replace all my negative thoughts.
Knowing what I know now, will forever change this process. I get that we all say things in anger and mean about half of what we say. The line I had drawn in the sand was crossed in an unforgivable way today. This was originally a very forgiving and understanding line, it was not very deep or ridged. With age, I had even erased on occasion because of what my mother had been through this past year. I wanted so badly to believe that it was just her circumstances for why I was at times treated the way I was. Each time I let the line slide, I was always reminded by my mother why I had the line in the first place. This was the dance that had been happening in our relationship- waning-very taxing. The proverbial straw came today. I had figured that my mother was not ever going to take my divorce well, with all the displacement of her own issues along with the crush of her own dreams (grandchildren) I was going to have to weather the storm. Yes, there were two separate phone conversations where I lost it on my mother. Yelling, screaming, digging a trench in the sand where the light line had been drawn. There was still love there, I would always call back to make sure my mother was ok because in the end...
I love her- she is my mom.
I heard... what my mother had actually said. My own mother told people that the divorce was my fault, I was self absorbed and selfish, I didn't work on the relationship, my new friends are all bad influences in my life and they also helped with the downfall of my marriage. My mom knows why I am getting divorced. Its all about each person's happiness and recognizing that in the current state I was with with my ex we were going to end up hating each other... thus, the separation and inevitable divorce. We don't hate each other, we are working on being friends and we are still supporting each other (like adults)-
Then the kicker, my mother went to the basement of her home and stood in front this very large book collection for children and stated, "I collected/made all of this for my grandchildren, What the hell am I going to do with all of this now I am never going to have any grandchildren?" ( I never asked her to do any of this)
I was a little taken aback that she also thinks I am an alcoholic and my mother managed to throw my father under the bus blaming him for my divorce as well. There was more to all the this information I received but the initial shock that I was experiencing blurred the rest of the conversation. I can however say for certain, there was nothing flattering about the rest of the conversation.
Now that I have been processing all this information, my emotional train wreck of a childhood makes more sense. (If you asked my mother about my childhood... she was a saint and did all that she could for me. Which, I know she believes. I will not take that away from her. I will however stand solidly for my side of the story regardless of the fall out that may happen.) All I was ever looking for was unconditional love. Knowing that my mother's love is conditional and my father (during my childhood) was emotionally unavailable molded my emotional neediness and constant search for affections. Which we all know where young girls look for affections, particularly when the girls are very pretty.... boys. The chain reaction of events that happened to me caused insurmountable damage that has taken me a decade to address.
The unbelievable amount of distrust that was build from that hour conversation may last a life time. Never thinking that I would ever be pushed to this type of decision with my Mother... For now, all I know is what my anger wants me to do right now...
I want to be vengeful, cruel and teach her a lesson, but I also have the knowledge as a therapist to know that all of those things will never really help or make me feel better. I will continue to love my Mother from a distance. I will ALWAYS and I mean always love my Mom.... it will just have to be in a way that helps us both grow and move towards positive change.
I do Love you Moomers.... (no matter what you think)
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