The question of physical attraction....

I was recently questioned for my ideals on beauty.  (This conversation- of course- came from a couple of girl friends and bottle of wine)  I love beauty, I find it in most things, people... places.  What defines my ideals of beauty however are a combination of unorthodox, dark features and integrity.

So, this prompted a quest.....



What do I find just physically attractive?              
                                                                    

Ooo Antonio...

There is just something about that man.  Antonio evokes this instant fiery passion with just one look of those intense stares.  A woman just knows that he would grab her, pull her close... hold her there, very still... letting the woman know she was not going anywhere then, piercing her very soul with his gaze just before he would completely envelop her entire being.

Javier Bardem.... Though some people do find Javier all that physically attractive, I find him mysteriously complete.  What I mean by this is he comes off as the type of man who could pull of anything he chose to do.  He exudes this raw sensuality that encompasses both the masculine and divine feminine.













Oded Fehr... He has this dominating, manly yet soulful presence about him.  Oded would be the rock that any woman would dash herself against and he would gently pick her up and hold her until every last tear had dried.  There is this quite intensity about him, its almost as if he would always be calm and collected but at any moment could save the world from disaster.












Raoul Bova.... That Italian charm (can be so dangerous in all the right ways).  Raoul would be the man who would see a woman from across the room and shamelessly smirk at her while never breaking eye contact.  The woman would be the first to give into the locked eye contact.  He would only then come over to the woman and re-enter into the gaze and administer a heavy dose of boyish Italian charm.














Eric Bana.... Raw, Silent Intensity... A Man's Man.  Eric would be working on his rally car filled with sweat and grease.  He is the type of man who knows what he wants, when he wants it.  There is a deep hidden passion for all things within this man and when that comes out, he would a force to be reckoned with. 














Enrique Iglesias.... One look at him and you know he is trouble.  Yet there is no way to resist that dark skin or pouty lips.  Enrique, he would be very direct and sly all at the same time.  The woman he goes after would see Enrique coming but at the same time would not have any idea what would really be in store for her.











What is so interesting as I am looking at these men I find incredibility attractive is they clearly have several things in common also I am just realizing each one seems to correlate to very specific men I have had in my life.  This is somewhat of a realization to me... I had never thought of this before.  So, I will continue to process....


Antonio Banderas- The combination of my Tainted Love with my "So Stupid" boy I should not be interested in...

Javier Bardem- Again, my Love Lost comes to mind

Oded Fehr- My Love Lost....

Raoul Bova- My Love Lost... (of course)

Eric Bana- He reminds me a little of the Serb, who is very much in Love with me but, there is just something about him that I am very wary of....

Enrique Iglesias- His playful nature reminds me so very much of my Tainted Love...

The other realization that I had after reading about these men was all but one of these men are happily married with children and live their lives as much out of the spot light as possible.  None of these men wanted to be sex symbols and all have made attempts to pursue acting parts that would not highlight their looks.  (Even Enrique did not want to capitalize on his father's name when pursuing his singing ambitions).  The fact that all these men wanted something more from life plays to some of the other important qualities that I find attractive.  Integrity, ambitious, loyal, wanting something more from life.  Those qualities are so very attractive to me....

The other similarities of course are more obvious every last one of them have smoldering dark features and for the most part of some foreign orgin.

What is it about foreign/ culturally outside the 'norm' men that I find myself so drawn to them time and again? (For roughly 10 years)

Why am I having to repeat this life pattern?

Is there something that I need to learn about myself through this process? 

My heart was again stolen for a brief moment by.....

Paulo Coelho.




 I read Paulo's Blog often and I am constantly inspired and moved by his thoughts and words.  I have read his book 11 Minutes a couple of times and to just be reminded today could not have been timed any better. I needed to hear that most people feel that love is very important and so very confusing.  Love can cause so many things within us and it takes a disaster for a person to realize/recognize that we are doing something right or wrong or living somewhere in the middle of those two extremes....





If we listen.... life will always give us what we need when we need it....





Again, Paulo thank you for your words....

“At every moment of our lives we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.” 

(I have lived this way for so long and always felt like I was wrong for living this way.)

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side… And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”

(What would I do with Love in my life?  I think I would just fade into the background, forever matching all that is around me never showing who I really am.  Though Love moves us to the points of breaking without it life would not be worth living)

“If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself.”

(Being ready to Love, that is something I thought I had done in my life.  Though in looking at my past I was not ready to Love when I met my Love that Never Was.  I thought I was and so did he but in the end due to not really being ready we are now both left alone and heartbroken.)

“If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my systems.”

(This just makes me smile, I know that I have had many small, little loves in my life, usually due to my ability to see the good in everyone and how much I love to inspire and support the person that I am with.  I have always learned something about my little loves)

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally come to realize that nothing really belongs to them.”

(This brings me straight to my Love Lost, the pain I experienced because I loved him was at times truly unbearable.  I could not see or accept that my Love Lost would never be in my life.  The process that proceeded was 10 years longs and my heart will always have a small wound from knowing I will never have my Love Lost ever again.)

“The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon.”

(I have come into a new place in my life when in comes to sex.  I have learned so much in just the last few months then I had in 15 years.  I have learned to love this sacred act and to completely embrace my own natural sensuality, which was always there I chose instead to hide behind my wedding ring.)

“Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.”

(Passion.  With out Passion my life would not be worth living.  I thrive from all my passionate endeavors and I have been this way my entire life.)

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.”

(This is so true, I blamed so many people for my feelings.  I was such a hurt little girl for a long time.)

“The great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.”

(Perhaps this is why I am currently feelings disjunctured.  I know complete Love, lost Love, profane Love and so on... I have been looking, searching, struggling with always wanting to fulfill my need for Love. At least this quote validates my feelings.)

" Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that brings only joy: love. "     

(I am at a point in my life where I am questioning how much does a person go through for love.  My main reasoning for this is I am the type of person who can endure so very much which then causes a skewed vision of how I am being treated by the other person.)

“Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.”

(I want constant miracles in my life.)

From the diary of Maria, the prostitute in ELEVEN MINUTES.
 

 

 

 

 

A story. A response.

A rose longed for the company of the bees, but none would come to her.
Even so, the flower was still capable of dreaming. 

When she felt all alone, she would imagi­ne a garden filled with bees that came to kiss her. 

And so she managed to resist until the next day, when she opened her petals again.

“Aren’t you tired?” another rose asked her.
“No. I have to go on fighting.”
“Why?”

“Because if I don’t open up, I wither.”

paulocoelhoblog.com

In the dim light of this very morning, the snow creates little holes in my sky. 

I, covered and cold peak out from under my nesting to face another day.  

My thoughts... "Why?" 

The little snow flakes reply, "Because, you are needed, wanted and loved.  

You help the helpless everyday and you do so with a caring mind and thoughtful heart."  

Living to the point of tears....

(Camus)




Today... I think I finally felt what it was like to 'live to the point of tears'....

There was a meeting today...  I had a gut feeling that it was not going to go well... BUT... I had no idea that I would want to jump off the white cliffs afterward...


This meeting was for my current job position, the meeting was to discuss issues with paperwork and obtaining hours.  This is a meeting that happens every so often to keep all the staff on track. However, I was shocked to learn that over the course of 5 months I had accumulatively been short 91.25 hours.  I had been working my ass off for so long and the months I was most behind in hours were the months that I had been dealing with a separation, moving (3 times), deathly ill, dealing with my crazy mother, my father almost died in a motorcycle accident, my car would not work on at least a couple of occasions at that time and truth be told... countless other issues that I just took with a grain of salt because.. well, I HAD too.   Christmas was overall good... I still didn't feel like that is what Christmas should be, and I am just now getting back on track and I am feeling worse then ever.

I have been on the verge of tears this entire day.  It all started with the work meeting this morning.  I felt like such a FUCKING failure today.  I can't believe that I work as hard as I do and what do I have to show for it?... I can't pay my bills, I am exhausted and I look like shit,.....

All I think about is work... dedication, tears, loyalty and what was the message I got....

work more, work harder, be more creative ooo yeah and by the I the higher ups really don't give a shit and the expectation is to work harder not smarter... save the agency... no matter what...
                                      

This no way to fucking live...

The life of the last single girl

Is this now my fate?

Not that being single is a bad thing, I have had a lot of wonderful experiences being single.

I guess what I am attempting to bumble through is I can be ok with what ever situation presents itself BUT as far as continuing to put myself [my heart] out there..... this may be something that I reconsider.  Mostly, I am starting to feel the affects of other people's past.  It has become an unfortunate realization that many of the men I have come into contact with are so unaware of how much their past has a direct link to their present relationships... it has become a daunting task to go through the " dating dance" over and over... I feel like I am being forced to re-live the same set of circumstances over and over...



Which puts me in a difficult situation, do I stop the feelings that come naturally to me or do I put up this false wall in order to protect myself ?


I am being pulled in different directions.. due to the need to protect myself and the need to be true to myself.

The New... Everything

Dearest 2011,

I am just giving word that I will have one of the most prosperous, fantastic and mountain moving years.  Please help with these efforts.  I thank you so very much for your support.

Best Regards-

Leslie Rivillo

Here is my gift to all of you... Paulo Coelho... his words will be my guidelines for this year...

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

There is always just one thing........(or 5)

There really is....almost always just one thing about men. 

I had a friend tell me about the Top 5 of 5.  A game in which a person can figure out what kind of person would be a good fit.  So here were two women drinking and just having fun- laughing at what we liked and can't stand about men....

Here are the categories-

Top 5 one word characteristics-

Top 5 physical characteristics-

Top 5 must haves-

Top 5 deal breakers-

Top 5 scenarios you want to see yourself in-

This seemed so easy at the time and a fun game to past the time with friends, but as I really began to think about the top 5 I realized that I had a difficult time coming up with what I wanted.  All I had even known is what I don't want.  Which, yes can be helpful but when it comes to such an important decision as the person you want to send the rest of your life with I was humbled at the idea that I had basically no idea what I wanted in a partner.  So, here I am on my quest for what I WANT in a partner.

Still a "work in progress" people... 

Top 5 one word characteristics-

Ok, so I have about 20 one word characteristics...(coming up with 5 was just not happening)

-Passionate
-Loyal
-Thoughtful
-Charismatic
-Social
-Intelligent
-Sensual
-Fun
-Assertive (in a little alpha-male way)
-Spontaneous
-Intense
-(well-rounded)
-Worldly
-Caring
-(open-minded)
-Strong
-(well-traveled)
-Conversationalist
-(in-tuned)
-(go-getter)

Top 5 physical characteristics-
I mean this category was is comical... because there are JUST certain characteristics I find instant attraction too...  

-Intense eyes (usually darker)
-Darker features (hair, skin)
-Slightly thicker build
-Sweet, genuine smile
-I usually am attracted to someone who has small flaws (it shows me that they are ok with who they are)


Top 5 must haves-

This was what I considered to include my core values.... though my five seem a little silly, I really thought about this and its just what makes sense.

-Must be able to handle my personality (you cannot be scared of me)
-Must have a good sense of self (know who you are)
-Must be able to handle stress well (don't worry about everything)
-Must be good lover (be willing to keep the passion alive)
-Must treat me like a lady (open my door, walk arm & arm with me and get the car of its raining) 
-Must love Latin Culture/Music (I love to dance and I will not compromise)


Top 5 deal breakers-

You know, since I have been back into the dating world I have come across some ridiculous men... this list is dedicated to those men... 

-I HATE smoking (why on gods green earth would you do something that smells so bad)
-Being Selfish (Do not be a five year old, share)
-Buckling under pressure (Work it out! you are an adult)
-Being conservative (I get there needs to be these types of people, I am just not going to spend my life with someone who is this type)
-Arrogant (You can be into yourself... but thinking your the shit... you can think your the shit all by yourself)
-Doesn't like to go out (I love to go out so you will be required to rally!)
-Bad Manners (I mean chew with your mouth closed...and open my freakin' door!)
-Always HAS to win (I am your partner, not your punching bag)
-Unbalanced (Life is not easy but, TRY to work it out a little.. there is nothing wrong with going to counseling if it will help)
-Being small-minded (I really am shocked at the amount of racism that is still happening and how many of the men I went out on dates with might as well be burning crosses and wearing white sheets)



Top 5 scenarios you want to see yourself in-

This one was difficult because for 7 years I had a scenario of what I wanted, and that was thrown over a cliff.  So what do I think now... well I still just have one basic scenario.

-I want to be independent, loving life and have a place to call "home".  "Home" is that place where no matter what is going on in your life you can just be.  I want to most likely live in the city but, as long as I feel home... I would be happy anywhere.  I want to be with someone who is my equal, my partner, my friend and my lover.  I want my partner to be able to laugh in the face of disaster and rally at three a.m. just because it would be fun.  I see myself with someone who revels in the ebb and flow process of giving and receiving.  If I am having a rough day... give me a hug and just listen, let me know I am supported, wanted and loved.  In return, I have the ability to support my partner in all areas of his life.  I will adore him, let him know through the little things that everything will be ok.  

"Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move towards the unknown- even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to"

-Paulo Coelho