It is offically.... Done.

A letter came today in the mail:

Williamport PA

18 MAR 2011 PM


I had no idea what the letter could be.
I opened it half expecting another parking ticket from god knows where.


IN THE COURT OF COMMON PLEASE OF POTTER COUNTY, PENNSYLVANIA

DECREE

AND     NOW       MAR  18    2011     ,    it is ordered and decreed that Plaintiff and Defendant are divorced from the bonds of matrimony. 

This journey is over.  It is actually over.  I immediately teared up as I read those words.  I re-read the letter to be sure I understood what the letter actually said.  (I think for a split second I had hoped that something had went wrong and the divorce was not finalized.  Reading very slowly for a third time, it sank in... "divorced from the bonds of matrimony".

For the first time since 2003 I was single [I guess the term would actually be divorced].  My stomach turned... nauseated... I felt a little light headed.  For a moment I thought that I was going to pass out.  Why?  Why am i having these reactions?  We had separated a year ago and the marriage had been falling apart for the previous 2 years. 

It is the official END. The end to so many things I have come to realize today.  I grew so much in my marriage... I experienced so much; different counties, different types of love, struggle, true adulthood, sharing your entire life with another person, knowing every last intimate detail of another human being, understanding devotion, deep trust, broken trust, learning to problem solve as a unit, being there for another person no matter what, moving 2000 miles, being pushed beyond my limits and then that person asks for more... which I always gave, supporting someone wholeheartedly-without thinking twice, being able to be completely yourself-never thinking twice if that person was judging you......

So.... what went wrong?  My Tainted Love and I had lunch today because the paperwork had come in the mail.  We were both sad.  It was good to talk to him.  I looked into his eyes and tried to find the answers I was looking for.....  I did not find the answers I wanted.  (it was as if I was being rejected all over again) 

What do I do now?

Under the Bridge....

 I heard this Chilli Pepper's song 4 times tonight.... I think that maybe fate saying..

"Hey Leslie... listen up!"

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner

Sometimes I feel like my only friend

Is the city I live in the city of angels

Lonely as I am together we cry 

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion

I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am

And she sees my good deeds and she kissed me windy

I never worry- now that is a lie

I don't ever want to feel like I did that day

Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there

It's hard to believe that I'm alone

At least I have her love the city she loves me

Lonely as I am together we cry

I don't ever want to feel like I did that day 

Take me to the place I love take me all that way

Under the bridge downtown is where I drew some blood

Under the bridge downtown I could not get enough

Under the bridge downtown forgot about my love

Under the bridge downtown I gave my life away

Shit... OK... 
Fate 1- Leslie- 0

B U R N O U T

-constantly on edge

-irritable

-I could care less about my paperwork (work ethic- out the window)

-I can't wait to get off work (though I have been doing this type of work for so long I don't know what to do with myself when I happen to get off early... so I drink)

-I don't care what time I get to work

-I have no drive to do (well anything at this point)



So, what do I do?  Could I get a month off?  (In my fucking dreams) but it might be helpful. At this point I am so done that I would flip burgers.  I know I have this calling but there is just too much going on... just too much... so much that if I don't do something soon I may never be able to go back....

Here are some of the things that I do know:

-I can't stand the person I wake up to everyday
-I am scared to death of thinking this is who I will be for the rest of my life


( The realization that I might be this person for the rest of my life scares the shit out me.  I cannot hardly stand myself on a day to day basis... how the Fuck am I going to sustain a meaningful.....




ANYTHING?


That deflated the little air I had left in me.....



 

A reminder...that I do have enough.......

This story has been circulated online over and over.  I received this story just at a moment when I really needed something inspiring to get me through my day (2/19/11).  So, I will pass this gift on to you.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.  Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.’  They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. 

I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but I could not refrain from asking:  ‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough.’ May I ask what that means?’  He began to smile. ‘That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.’  

He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more.  ‘When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’

Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye.

This story involves a father and daughter and it makes me miss my Dad so much.  Things like this always make think about the past and why I am the way I am?  Why I am where I am?  All of those "life" questions come into play.  I should think about them more but I struggle...  I struggle because when I go to those places in my mind I am forced to recognize all the wrongs that need to be made right, all the injustices, all the relationships that may never be repaired.... that is such a hard place to go.


[I secretly hate that I miss my Mom but I don't really want to see as much.  I wish that I could have that Mother/Daughter relationship that I have seen others have.  I know that it could happen... so I will keep so hope hidden away for that day.]  

My wish to all who read this.... I wish you all the happiness you are willing to receive into your life.

Constantly questioning... second guessing...

 feeling like the biggest mess in the world.



All for the sake of-      L     O     V     E

There are literally hundreds of thousands of quotes about Love.  We read them, become inspired by, overwrought, jaded, desperate, vengeful, amazed and so on....  We trust these writers, actors, scientists, philosophers, legends and proverbs to help us express our feelings on Love.  Yet, here I sit... still trying to figure out what the hell went wrong?  

What I can say, is this............ 

Love is- all encompassing, inspiring and above all completely 100% worth "IT".

Please just read and enjoy... perhaps be inspired, take a step back and think or just allow yourself to feel....

It is not that love is blind.  It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.  

~Robert Brault

"You don't get to choose. You just fall". Anonymous

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." Kahlil Gibran

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.  
~Albert Einstein

 
Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.  
~Eric Fromm

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will finally know peace". 

Jimi Hendrix 

When love is not madness, it is not love. 

~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. 
~Malagasy Proverb

"Love does not fail for you when you are rejected or betrayed or apparently not Loved. 

Love fails when you reject, betray, and do not Love".  

-Adi Da 

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Rodgers and Hammerstein, Cinderella

Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. 

 ~Proverb

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. 
~Eric Fromm

For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To wake at dawn with the winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

-Kahlil Gibran



Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford-

 as smart as Henry Kissinger-

as noble as Ralph Nader-

 as funny as Woody Allen0

and as athletic as Jimmy Conners- 

Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen-

as smart as Jimmy Connors-

as funny as Ralph Nader-

as athletic as Henry Kissinger-

and nothing like Robert Redford- 

BUT you'll take him anyway 

~Judith Viorst, Redbook

Love is much like a wild rose, 

beautiful and calm, 

but willing to draw blood in its defense. 

~Mark Overby

Love is a symbol of eternity.  
It wipes out all sense of time, 
destroying all memory of a beginning 
and all fear of an end.  
-Unknown

Who, being loved, is poor?  

~Oscar Wilde

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.  

~Peter Ustinov

To find someone who will love you for no reason, 
and to shower that person with reasons, 
that is the ultimate happiness.  
~Robert Brault 

Love is the condition

in which the happiness of another person

is essential to your own.  

~Robert Heinlein

We loved with a love that was more than love.  

~Edgar Allan Poe

Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies.  
~Swedish Proverb

 

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
-William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence.  
~Albert Ellis

The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, 

a dim twilight, 

and a fountain singing to it.  

You and you alone make me feel that I am alive.  

Other men it is said have seen angels, 

but I have seen thee and thou art enough. 

~George Moore

My debt to you, Beloved,
Is one I cannot pay
In any coin of any realm
On any reckoning day.
~Jessie B. Rittenhouse

 

He felt now that he was not simply close to her, 

but that he did not know where he ended and she began.  

~Leo Tolstoy

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. 
~Jean Anouilh



Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, 

a tight girdle, 

a higher tax bracket 

or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.  

~Judith Viorst, Redbook



You can give without loving, 
but you can never love without giving.  
~ Unknown

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.  

~William Shakespeare

Love is being stupid together.  

~Paul Valery

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. 

~Robert Frost   

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves.  

~Latin Proverb

 
Love is what you've been through with somebody.  

~James Thurber

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.  

~Blaise Pascal   

 

    

(coming to terms)

My passion for life had faded  

(degraded, hated and separated)

This lifeless picture on the wall taunts me 

(beauty, degree and rosary)

The saturated colors have been gone for some time 

(sublime, crime and paradigm)

But now the shades of gray have lost their silver luster 

(disaster, infrastructure and rupture)

The color gone- The future resembling a dry desert well

(carousel, clientele and farewell)

The desert winds constantly cover my path 

(aftermath, wrath and sabbath) 

I have what feels like- permanently lost my way 

(hearsay, prepay and disobey)

What is needed now, the inevitable change 

(derange, strange and prearrange)

I need to stop waiting around for something to happen 

(ripen, deepen and unshapen)

This heaviness has rendered me incapacitated 

(belated, accommodated and jaded)

All that can be done is to sit in a holding pattern 

(burn, yearn and overturn)

A prayer- A lifeboat- S.O.S.- desperate for rescuing 

(crippling, acquiring and learning)

The dark places...

Today........

Today.... was that day I had been fearing... where I was not able to hold myself together.  I was overcome by the dark shadows that had been tailing me for the past year.  I had fought the good fight but I suppose this day would come at some point... no matter how much of the healing process I had went through.  I could no longer hold back the exhaustion or the tears...


"Those" thoughts came into my mind.  "Those" are the ones I don't like to tell anyone about.  I think that most people do not want to tell people about these thoughts because" those" thoughts are a one way ticket to letting everyone know you are "crazy", you cannot be relied upon," Ooo don't bother Leslie she is going through sooo much right now".

FUCK!  FUCK! FUCK!   fuck!  FUCK!

I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!!  

How do I NOT be that person?  I have no idea how to get out of this place.  Do I need to take time off?  Do I need to physically move?  Do I just move back home?  Do I just jump off the Ben Franklin Bridge?  How do I take care of my responsibilities? (the ones I am currently not taking care of) 

 

I have lived this life that I can say I am proud of but how can I make that statement and still be where I am right now? 

                                                                                                                            Fucking shoot me........................... 

I made it..... I think?

Happy Birthday Leslie....


I wrote about four months ago that I was worried about making it to my 31st birthday.

Well, here I am.... I am still standing. (more like leaning)


I do not really know if this is what I had in mind when I started out on this journey.
I still have yet to-
"feel emotions"
"taste"
"feel sensations"
"understand"
"question"
"organize"

I still feel a little dead inside.  
My passion..... it's just not what I remember it being.  
I miss that part of myself most of all-   

My uninhibited, lustful passion for life.  

This Ideal I had- it was just as much to do with the physical as it did the mental and emotional.  One of the first words that has always been used to describe me is : Passionate.  

I know for sure this is just something that I will ALWAYS have as part of me.   

I NEED this part of myself again..... 

I know it is somehow missing from many parts of my life.  

But... my Passion is there.  

I WILL find it again. 

I have too.

 

Life is............

If one person really wants us, everyone does.

But, if we’re alone, we become even more alone.

Life is strange.

A story...
“Have you ever heard of the book called the I Ching?” I asked her.
“No, I haven’t.”
“It says that a city can be moved but not a well. It’s around the well that lovers find each other, satisfy their thirst, build homes, and raise their children. But if one of them decides to leave, the well cannot go with them. Love remains there, abandoned – even though it is filled with the same pure water as before.”

Love is always new.
Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation.
Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.
We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence.
If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life.

We have to take love where we find it, even if it means hours, days, weeks of disappointments and sadness.
“You shouldn’t have asked,” I said. “Love doesn’t ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful. It’s an inexplicable fear; it’s difficult even to describe it. Maybe it’s the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell. It’s ridiculous, but that’s the way it is. That’s why you don’t ask-you act. As you’ve said many times, you have to take risks.”

Wait. 

This was the first lesson I learned about love.
The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behavior in certain ways – and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives.
But by then, you don’t know what to say.
The hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.

Love is like a trap. 

When it appears, we see only light, not its shadows.

Pilar is the main character of "By the river Piedra I sat down and wept" By Paulo Coelho 

Letters to a Young Poet...

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is,
to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually,
without noticing it,
and live along some distant day into the answer.
~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


Thank you Ms. Rilke.... I was in desperate need of something...