Confessions of a Seducer

I opened her doors to the living room of Spring and she came forth.  The scent of fresh rain and Forsythia filled the air as she pasted through.



I raised her windows, that Summer of heat, and she breathed and watched and became the different people inside her.  Then she wondered why the acquaintance- so long- has been delayed.

I stroked her fireplace, the Autumn of sweetened resolve, feeding her hearth with fuel, burning, giving warmth that both lulled and awakened her senses.  Slowly, irrefutably, the embers drifted off.

She opened her eyes then............................I lost her.  To the Winter of freezing desolation.  Wishing again for the Spring.    






Adapted from:
The Arctic Archipelago and other poems
By Luis Francia 

Intimacy/Intimidation

"Without the ability to create intimacy we become emotionally disabled..."


Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience.  Humans have a universal want to belong and to Love which is satisfied within an intimate relationship.   As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known".    The activity of  intimating  (making known) underpins the meanings of "intimate" when used as a noun and adjective.  As a noun, an "intimate" is a person with whom we have a particularly close relationship. As an adjective, "intimate" indicates detailed knowledge of a thing or person.

The characteristics of an intimate relationship include:

-An enduring behavioral interdependence 

-Repeated interactions

-Emotional attachment 

-Need fulfillment 

Intimate relationships include: 

-Friendships 

-Dating Relationships

-Spiritual relationships

-Marital relationships

Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together.

It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. 

Genuine intimacy in human relationships require:

-Dialogue

-Transparency

-Vulnerability

-Reciprocity

Several stages in intimate relationships have been identified: 

-The beginning or development stages (e.g., attraction and dating) 

-Relational maintenance and repair (e.g., forgiveness)

-Relational stressors (e.g., conflict and betrayal)

-Relational termination (e.g., models of dissolution)

In anthropological research intimacy is considered the product of:

a successful seduction 

                      = a process of rapport building

                                            = that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings.

Intimate conversations become the basis for "confidences" (secret knowledge) that bind people together.

To sustain intimacy for any length of time requires well-developed emotional and interpersonal awareness. Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship. Murray Bowen called this "self-differentiation". It results in a connection in which there is an emotional range involving both robust conflict, and intense loyalty.

***Lacking the ability to differentiate oneself from the other is a form of symbiosis, a state that is different from intimacy, even if feelings of closeness are similar.

When reading about, thinking about, becoming fucking pissed about intimacy- I see a somewhat sad reality taking place. Intimacy is something many people fear, misunderstand, warp, try to control to only meet their needs and cause a war path that affects so many others. Then this path of destruction and devastation... mistrust, distrust, manipulation, defenses all begin to grow within us.... Intimacy does not even have a chance in the shadow of a wall that is one hundred feet high and ten feet thick. I see people standing at the top of that wall looking down on a wanting and longing to share their life with another person but unable to do so... all they do is commit emotional suicide from the top of that wall... (never realizing that climbing up that wall over and over will always give the same result)

The wall must come down...

il caos dentro......places (lugares)

Have you ever had those times where the chaos in your life seems to organize itself around you?  Even though, placing the word organize next to chaos seems paradoxical... at this point in my life it just "is".

Through a series of conversations and 'happenings' I have come to this place-

A place where I have to visit my past, my present and my unforeseeable future... 

The Past-

I had a conversation with a young lady who was talking about a movie that she could not wait to see.  The main story line consists of an amazing Love between two people that just did not work out but there was still a connection there. The connection continued and for years and the past lovers knew that anything could be asked and the other would always be there.  Though each person continued to live a separate life... from what I could gather this movie was portraying/paralleling a story very close to my own life.

I had to go back... and remember.  I found old pictures from when I remember first falling in Love.  It was an overcast day... little spots of sunshine mingling within the looming clouds that constantly threatened rain.  We were walking the Boboli Gardens in Florence.  All of those amazing feelings that accompany Love were there- filling the air around us.  The clouds inevitably opened upon us and we had to seek shelter.  There was a small cove in front of a statue of Neptune... he held me close and sheltered me from the rain.  That was it.... that was the very -moment- I fell in Love.... with my 'Love Lost'....  I have had over 10 years to think about, cry, desire, obsess, go over every scenario in my head of what could have been..... (that was a very torturous place) But- here I am all these years later and my Love Lost and I still chat often and we would still be there for each other no matter what....

This story now leads into my present organized chaos.... 

The present-

I have met this person recently who has unknowingly pushed me to a place of discomfort (internal chaos). (this is a place of great change)  This person has invaded my thoughts and caused me to question many ideals I have held dear for so much of my life.  He invokes this creative passion within me... something that I have not felt in a very long time.  (this was a place I deeply missed)  We had a conversation that encompassed his desire to have an interlude with an amazing woman and then never see her again... only then getting to know her through letters and other correspondence... I think that at some point we all desire this 'type' of chance meeting...What need does this fulfill within us?..... This plays into the idealized Love.  The 'type' of Love that can be this beautiful perfection so neatly placed atop a pedestal.  You can admire from afar... you can always be looking up and smiling....   

Linking these 'happenings' together caused me to make another fateful decision.  I felt like I needed a distraction so I decided to watch a movie.  I just picked a movie from the plethora movies online.  This is where I just start to laugh at the odds that I would pick THIS movie.... 

"Strangers"The story of Impossible Love 

                                                                                                                    

How amusingly appropriate.
The story of:
- a promise broken
                    - running away from life
                                  - foreigners in a foreign land
                                                   - chance
                                                             - (fate)
                                                                      - searching
                                                                                    - finding
                                                                                             - accepting
                                                        - knowing (thrusting) there was something more....


(quoted from the movie "Stranger")
We'll part
You'll need two days to think it over
You'll walk the streets
You'll write me a letter which I'll never read
You'll meet a girl. She will look like me
You'll have a drink, dance have fun
You'll forget me then- you will remember me
You'll meet someone who will want to help you
You'll tell him your story
He'll tell you that our relationship was doomed
You'll run away
You'll think you saw me
You'll remember the places we used to go
You'll call me but I will not answer the phone
You'll meet a friend who- like you, will be drafted
He'll cheer you up
You'll go back home
You'll be scared like you've never been scared in your life
It will kill you
It will kill us....


We all think this... this 'thing'-when have those chance meetings with amazing people.  We all entertain the thought of 'What if?'...  What does that do to us? our soul? Does it fulfill some need we all have within us? Is it a way of testing us? For now, I do not have an answer nor do I feel the need to give an answer... 

Movie review for "Stranger"

If you've ever been swept up in a love affair that left you dizzy (or wanted to be), you will find yourself viscerally entwined with 'Strangers', Erez Tadmor and Guy Nattiv's riveting story of impossible love.

el caos dentro..... il caos dentro

A Night,
A single night-

[caused the sleeping chaos to stir... then, this single night went to a place where I have not allowed myself to go... the place that lives within all of us- where pure passion dwells.   This is the place that most of us keep tightly locked away because to be exposed means, to disrobe that child-like vulnerability... I allowed this]

An awakening happened...

Closing my eyes-
I remember-

I remember the beautiful black dress I wore... and the way the lace caressed my skin-
I remember you staring at me in that black dress-

I remember moving to the rhythms "just being" with the music-

I remember feeling my smile through my entire body-

I remember the sky opening and and setting the stage for that night-

The lightening and thunder uncontrollably moved through the blackness of the night. It was as if the weather   was playing an old gypsy woman, a fortune teller... reading our desires on  the palms of our hands-

I remember those images that flash behind my eyelids... creating chain reaction(s)

I remember the physical... leaving me so impassioned that my entire being was pushed into a state of wanting [endless]

I remember... a wanting of his hair, tracing a line for his lips to follow... his arms to envelope my body, creating one organic shape after another [no beginning, no end]... for his fingers to run up the back of my neck-entangling, interlacing, intertwining into my golden locks... pushing his fingertips into my skin brought forth sensations that can only be answered by soft sounds of acquiescence...

I remember feeling the heavy, thick air create a layer of sensual residue over our heated bodies... my tongue traces an outline of the little hidden spot between his neck and collar bone... when I tasted him,  I could taste his yearning- his thirst, to possess me-

I remember relinquishing to the present moment as we drifted, we like a dream [il sogno] fulfilling one sense to another until all but one remained... The last- a conquest- had to wait... we could not become greedy and devour that last of the senses... 

I remember the windows to the soul came flying open.. unrestricted, uninhibited [everything]... The golden honey hazel of my eyes enmeshed with his dark [unrelenting] brown eyes... our gaze became so tightly locked, it was as if the key had been lost for an eternity.

I remember there was a moment where we both witnessed something that just begged to be left unspoken... something that had to be left unto itself- to 'just be'.

I remember the intensity of his eyes-

I remember wanting him more... more then I had I ever wanted anyone else-

I remember feeling... my entire being. Every. Last. Inch. 

I remember coming undone... the key to the impenetrable lock had been found [only seconds before one would have sworn you were attempting to remove the sword from the stone...] Behind the unlocked stare- I saw a fire [en fuego]... This fire lit the darkness of his eyes.  That darkness held many secrets and the flame within exposed his soul.  Within the shadows I saw the vulnerability that I know I was not suppose to see...

I remember the disheveled sunrise peaking through the eastern facing window.  The trees- silhouetted- like the black line drawing hanging on my wall against the tri-colored sky.

I remember him telling a story of a foreign country, a place that invoked happy memories... Memories of feeling life at it's most amazing... that place where a person can feel alive and fulfilled with pure passion-

I remember...

I remember recognizing that this moment would aline with the other few moments in my life where I will be forever changed... I stand now before my life path staring down the fork in the road... I made the choice....

I made the choice knowing there would be consequences.  

     

El Sueño.... (Il Sogno)

This past week I was awaken from a deep peaceful sleep... (roughly 3:30am)  It was odd in that... the dream was a great dream...   It was one of those dreams that was so real you could feel everything that happened....





The Dream....

The sun warmed air flows through the open car windows...  There is laughter and music intertwining the sultry summer air. The road ahead- carries many things for these twin souls.  Souls that have an uncommon amount of thoughts/feelings/ideas in common.  So- this road, this unforeseen path symbolizes many things for these travel companions- life's inevitable trials and tribulations.... this- unspoken passion that leaves the air thick with intensity and longing.  All while these two people traveling side by side share moments, smiles and these unnoticed stolen glances from beneath their sunglasses.... these lingering looks are filled with longing and desire.  Both of these old souls are left with wishing and wanting for more....


The destination was never determined... which fit well with these two vagabonds who have both already spent several life-times searching for that "fulfillment" thing... neither person ever fully realizing that everything they have ever wanted was sitting 6 inches away.  That was it.... a mere 6 inches from happiness.

As little patches of sun light constantly recreate the shadows along this road these two people who have come together after a very long trying journey.  Their chosen paths though may have started in distant foreign places.. neither can deny the direction they are going.... side by side down this road of shadows and lights...

 

Yes, I can...

So... as part of my "let get Leslie's shit together" program... I am finally figuring out that, "Yes, I motherfucking can!".  Why it has taken so long?  Well, I do know the answer, which mostly consists of me living in the past, in my Mother's past and me just thinking that I needed a man in my life in order to get on with my life.  I don't mean that I needed another husband, lover, 'just someone to fill the space' person... I meant that I HAVE to stand, REALLY FUCKING STAND! Stand for what I believe in, for what I am all about, and most of all.....

for my true beliefs...

My beliefs in L-O-V-E, in the greater good, in allowing myself to be happy and be positive, to be the crazy impulsive, caring individual that I always have been.

I love being the person who Loves Hispanic culture but does not speak Spanish,  I love salsa dancing even of I have been dancing wrong for 9 years... I love being the person who can list off the top Italian motorcycles in the world but still does not own a motorcycle...  I still expect a man to open my door and treat me like a lady even if I do own power tools.... I Fucking LOVE cursing!  And that is a BIG FUCK YOU! to anyone who doesn't like it!!

I am OK with being an asshole when I need to be.... but I will always be the person who attempts to reason first... if I am being an asshole to you, know that it was a RE-action.  There is a reason why I would treat another person that way. 

I have always known these things about myself but I have never felt that these were strengths... For the first time I now know.. they are... every last one of my crazy, off the wall, eccentricities... have made (me).  I really like 'me'.  I really do like who I am.  All the parts that I need to work on... I know that I have to, and at some point, I will.  I know that I am helpful and a good friend which anyone who knows me will attest to that.

I L-O-V-E... I LOVE like no one else I know... I love deeply, passionately, endlessly, hopefully and I know there is someone out there for me... only me.  I respect and hold dear all the past Love's of my life and they all know this...

I love, LOVE and tonight, I know there is nothing wrong with being the person who, for one of the first times in my life- knowing that I still believe in LOVE like a have nothing to lose. 

The cringe..... followed by deprecation

(I have to remember that it is ok to "go there" sometimes)

There are days when it still hurts.  Those days are the one's where I would give anything to have a person at home to share my woes with.....that person that I should have started a family with... that person that was suppose to be my should to cry on.... the one who promised to love me through sickness and in health to death do us part....


Those are my lonely days, though I do not have them as often, they still hurt.  Those days are when I feel most defeated... I know this is part of the process but to have to go through each one knowing it's still not really over.


These days also seem to have a lingering affect... These days are usually triggered by a series of events that include: I have contacted several friends and they all are busy or don't get back to me, the thought of going into my current dysfunctional living situation makes want to throw myself from the Ben Franklin.... and the last lovely trigger- toddlers.  I am having such a difficult time dealing with the fact that I spent seven years with someone and we never started a family.  (and I get that I came off "clean") but that has not changed my inability to cope seeing happy children with their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters.....


But in the end, that is my reality and I have to bare witness to my sadness and my loss.... because it is MINE.  I own it- those feelings cannot be projected on to others, it cannot just be stuffed away, it cannot pretend to be something else... I have to look at those emotions in their raw, naked state. 


And... I HAVE to be ok with all of that....