Where gray business suits fear to tread ....

Today, I have to say, I saw a moment of my future, though 3 margaritas into my paperwork, that sliver of a moment is fleeting at best. I attempted to call my student loan company to explain my current situation and I was stone walled.... I suppose there are, not matter what the circumstances are, where- empathy need not apply... actually; rigid, bullshit, all white men in the gray business suits fear to tread areas of our lives. I was left with 2 choices; take all forbearance that is left on my loan, which only delays the inevitable (and shocker, makes more $ for my loan company) or stop paying and allow my credit to but compromised.

After that....and feeling like the only way to meet my feelings half way was to cry....I really wanted to defect to another country. Living in the United States just seems to be more trouble then what its worth. (I really dislike my current mindset.) I hate that I question my Master's degree ONLY because of how much money it has cost me. I HATE even more that I looked at a loan statement today and realized that I have paid over 5,000 dollars and I actually still owe more then original loan. If there was no APR, I would be half way through paying my loan. While on the phone with one of my loan companies, I was composed, logical, rational and above all nice. This meant nothing to the person on the other end of the phone line. To be put in this circumstance, it feeds my dark side... that side that is whispering... "just give up... why are you still trying to save the world, its not worth it".

(Like that scene from the movie "Scrooged, where Bill Murray's character, Frank Cross sees the possible future.  Frank Cross sees what the comment he made to Karen Allen's character Clair did.  Clair became a shallow, soulless, bitch.  She had given up on helping others.)

That feeling of [is it all really worth it?] is the worst.  It always leads me into a tail spin of self deprecation and hopelessness for life's bigger picture. 

Being this dis-heartened well.... is just that. (rip my heart from my chest) There is a much needed act of kindness, for both my thoughts of my marriage dying and knowing that all the kids I have helped could end up with one less person in their lives who gives a shit.

 No one in the this situation deserves that fate....