El Sueño.... (Il Sogno)

This past week I was awaken from a deep peaceful sleep... (roughly 3:30am)  It was odd in that... the dream was a great dream...   It was one of those dreams that was so real you could feel everything that happened....





The Dream....

The sun warmed air flows through the open car windows...  There is laughter and music intertwining the sultry summer air. The road ahead- carries many things for these twin souls.  Souls that have an uncommon amount of thoughts/feelings/ideas in common.  So- this road, this unforeseen path symbolizes many things for these travel companions- life's inevitable trials and tribulations.... this- unspoken passion that leaves the air thick with intensity and longing.  All while these two people traveling side by side share moments, smiles and these unnoticed stolen glances from beneath their sunglasses.... these lingering looks are filled with longing and desire.  Both of these old souls are left with wishing and wanting for more....


The destination was never determined... which fit well with these two vagabonds who have both already spent several life-times searching for that "fulfillment" thing... neither person ever fully realizing that everything they have ever wanted was sitting 6 inches away.  That was it.... a mere 6 inches from happiness.

As little patches of sun light constantly recreate the shadows along this road these two people who have come together after a very long trying journey.  Their chosen paths though may have started in distant foreign places.. neither can deny the direction they are going.... side by side down this road of shadows and lights...

 

Yes, I can...

So... as part of my "let get Leslie's shit together" program... I am finally figuring out that, "Yes, I motherfucking can!".  Why it has taken so long?  Well, I do know the answer, which mostly consists of me living in the past, in my Mother's past and me just thinking that I needed a man in my life in order to get on with my life.  I don't mean that I needed another husband, lover, 'just someone to fill the space' person... I meant that I HAVE to stand, REALLY FUCKING STAND! Stand for what I believe in, for what I am all about, and most of all.....

for my true beliefs...

My beliefs in L-O-V-E, in the greater good, in allowing myself to be happy and be positive, to be the crazy impulsive, caring individual that I always have been.

I love being the person who Loves Hispanic culture but does not speak Spanish,  I love salsa dancing even of I have been dancing wrong for 9 years... I love being the person who can list off the top Italian motorcycles in the world but still does not own a motorcycle...  I still expect a man to open my door and treat me like a lady even if I do own power tools.... I Fucking LOVE cursing!  And that is a BIG FUCK YOU! to anyone who doesn't like it!!

I am OK with being an asshole when I need to be.... but I will always be the person who attempts to reason first... if I am being an asshole to you, know that it was a RE-action.  There is a reason why I would treat another person that way. 

I have always known these things about myself but I have never felt that these were strengths... For the first time I now know.. they are... every last one of my crazy, off the wall, eccentricities... have made (me).  I really like 'me'.  I really do like who I am.  All the parts that I need to work on... I know that I have to, and at some point, I will.  I know that I am helpful and a good friend which anyone who knows me will attest to that.

I L-O-V-E... I LOVE like no one else I know... I love deeply, passionately, endlessly, hopefully and I know there is someone out there for me... only me.  I respect and hold dear all the past Love's of my life and they all know this...

I love, LOVE and tonight, I know there is nothing wrong with being the person who, for one of the first times in my life- knowing that I still believe in LOVE like a have nothing to lose. 

The cringe..... followed by deprecation

(I have to remember that it is ok to "go there" sometimes)

There are days when it still hurts.  Those days are the one's where I would give anything to have a person at home to share my woes with.....that person that I should have started a family with... that person that was suppose to be my should to cry on.... the one who promised to love me through sickness and in health to death do us part....


Those are my lonely days, though I do not have them as often, they still hurt.  Those days are when I feel most defeated... I know this is part of the process but to have to go through each one knowing it's still not really over.


These days also seem to have a lingering affect... These days are usually triggered by a series of events that include: I have contacted several friends and they all are busy or don't get back to me, the thought of going into my current dysfunctional living situation makes want to throw myself from the Ben Franklin.... and the last lovely trigger- toddlers.  I am having such a difficult time dealing with the fact that I spent seven years with someone and we never started a family.  (and I get that I came off "clean") but that has not changed my inability to cope seeing happy children with their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters.....


But in the end, that is my reality and I have to bare witness to my sadness and my loss.... because it is MINE.  I own it- those feelings cannot be projected on to others, it cannot just be stuffed away, it cannot pretend to be something else... I have to look at those emotions in their raw, naked state. 


And... I HAVE to be ok with all of that....