Where...... does this road end?

I have no idea where I am going,

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following Love

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please Love does in fact in the end some how please Love.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this Love will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

I will not fear, for Love is ever with me,

and Love will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

Paulo wrote this as a prayer to God.  I felt the need to fit these words into my life... 

so I wrote this to Love.

Murdering what is most important......

I have put off (aka- killing) so many of my dreams for years....

For many reasons: my marriage, discouragement, apathy, misguided, self esteem, not believing myself, moving....[all excuses]

I am now at a place in my life where I am free to do what ever I want.  All my dreams are now at my finger tips.  So.... 

What do I do now?

I NEED forward movement.... and I NEED to start now... I cannot keep waiting for something to happen.

Guidelines for why dream homicide happens

The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight.

The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.

And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight.

When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being.

We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That’s when illnesses and psychoses arise. What we sought to avoid in combat – disappointment and defeat – come upon us because of our cowardice.

And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons.

[Words from Petrus to me during The Pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela]

-From Paulo Coelho's blog-

 

WHY!!! [yelling v.s. whispering]

[Story sent by: Anupam Karn from Paulo Coelho's blog ]

A master asked his disciples:

"Why do we shout in anger?"
"Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?"

The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said:  

"Because we lose our calm, we shout for that."

The Master returns the answer:

"But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?"
"Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice?"
"Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?"

The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally the Mater explained: 

"When two people are angry at each other, their hearts become distant. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance."

Then the master asked:  

"What happens when two people fall in love?"
"They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why?"
"Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small"

 And he finally said:  

"When they love each other even more, what happens?"

"They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.  Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other."

This story holds so much truth.  The physical distance is one thing but the distance that can happen between to hearts.... can be devastating.   There is always an ebb and flow of Love but there is a point where if the distance is to great then even shouting can no longer be heard.  I have been at that point and it's a very sad, lonely place.  It's comparable to being on a deserted island, the rescue boat is in view but attempting to signal the boat is futile.  

There will be blood

I just deleted my mother from facebook. 

This will not go over well.  I just can't.... I just can't anymore.

My greatest fear is that I may have to delete my mother from every area of life....

I was made nameless on Valentines Day...

I had really set out today to have a good day despite this being the first V-day in many years that I have been single.

Then, IT happened....

"It's ____'s wife, yeah that's her, Hey____'s wife, your car is ready." 

Fucking shoot me.  My Tainted Love had not told the mechanic that we are divorced.  (I should have went to a new mechanic) Hearing that, the mechanic might as well of taken the screw driver from his tool box and stabbed me with it.  At least then I would have had an excuse to feel that unbearable pain.   I couldn't fucking believe that I was again heartbroken and nameless.  Just to avoid any further embarrassment I made an excuse of being late for work and rushed to my car.  I could not have closed the car door any faster, I fucking lost it.  How I could start a day with the best of intentions and still a series of events can still play out like some Greek tragedy?

As I sat there wiping away my tears and trying to pull myself together so I could get to work , I realized Fate was again shoving me in the direction I needed to be heading....

Dear Fate,

Ok, I fucking get it.... I WILL get my shit together... Let me go through my process.  My process just "IS" so fucking deal with it.  Ok?  

Yours Truly,

Lucia Franco

Year of the Bunnyman....

Thank Fucking God that the year of the Tiger is over.
That year tested me beyond what I ever thought would be possible.
The lessons learned will be those prolific times in everyone's lives that cause life changing-
pause of some serious fucking thoughts....

The year of the rabbit gives me something to at least latch on to.  I will be able to 'lick my wounds' that have compiled this past year.  My only wish is to NEVER repeat another year like the ' Tiger' ever again. 

Here is what this year has in store for my Monkey self:

Everything will be workable this year.  
(this is enough for me!  "workable" is a fantastic word)

The agile Monkey will not give up before trying every angle. 
(that's nothing new)

There will be success even in impossible ventures, there will be inventions and improvisations galore. (impossible... please... that is the last thing to stop me... though its good to hear that some improv will grace my year)


Politics, diplomacy, high finance and business will be engaged in one big poker game with everyone trying to out-bluff each other.
(mmm bluffing...)

A rather amusing and exciting time in which everyone will be given the opportunity to try their hand at the game.
(my life is ALL about being amusing and exciting....)

No direct confrontation here, as the Monkey is one who can laugh off their mistakes and improve their bargaining prowess in the next round.
(ok... I can take a break from confrontation.... maybe)

This is a year that will find us all trying to get better deal by outsmarting the other person.
(one of my favorite things)

It is hard to keep track of who is winning, as the right hand has no idea what the left hand is up to. One thing is for sure, this will be an extremely progressive time.
(progressive you say?....  )

We will all steam ahead, and even if we do not apply ourselves to the utmost, we will be carried forward by the surging tide of the Monkey's natural talent for learning and advancement.
 (natural talent could mean SOOOO many things...)

It is definitely not a year for the faint-hearted or slow-witted.
(thank god... a year where natural selection may play a part)

The monkey gives no concessions and asks none in return.
(eehh..  the usual)

Business will skyrocket under their optimistic and shrewd influence.
(Now if I could just get me shit together enough to follow through)

The Monkey's resourcefulness will amaze and confound everyone.   
(Again, nothing new there... and I ALWAYS amazing! :)

The motto of this year should be: 
" Don't take No for an answer!"

That motto should not be a problem for me......

Alrighty then... let the games begin...

Memories and Salt.....

Dear Paulo Coelho,


You yet invoke my thoughts to move into another direction.  My gratitude towards you will always be reminiscent of the horizon atop the endless ocean.  Truly, a place that could be never ending.


This is from Paulo Coelho's Blog:


I arrive in Madrid at eight o’clock in the morning. I will only be here a few hours, so it’s not worth phoning friends and arranging to see them. I decide to go for a walk alone in my favorite places, and I end up sitting smoking a cigarette on a bench in the Retiro Park.
‘You look miles away,’ says an old man, joining me on the bench.
‘Oh, I’m here,’ I say, ‘but I’m sitting on this same bench with a painter friend of mine, Anastasio Ranchal, 24 years ago in 1986. We are both watching my wife, Christina, who has had a bit too much to drink and is trying to dance the flamenco.’
‘Enjoy your memories,’ says the old man. ‘But don’t forget that memory is like salt: the right amount brings out the flavor in food, too much ruins it. If you live in the past all the time, you’ll find yourself with no present to remember.’

(If you live in the past all the time, you’ll find yourself with no present to remember.)   My constant memories of you kept me from many things and curbed my ability to make decisions.  I had convinced myself that I was making the right choices- when in reality I was only clouding my judgment and allowing my life path to derail.  I am not regretful for this part of my life, I will look at this as an opportunity. Shaping who I am....  Today, I can say that I am happy with myself which is a very big thing for someone to say.

Do I miss my Love Lost?  Every fucking day...  and I will have to be ok with that for the rest of my life.  This is a thought process that I struggle with every day.  Which to me seems odd in that I feel like I am speaking as a drug addict.  To have a person take hold of my memory continuously...   that type of hold on my very being is a struggle that I would have never thought I would have to be going through.  For 10 years- of my life.... and there is no evidence to suggest that my memory of my Love Lost will even stop it's daily visit to the forethought's of my mind...




This may still influence my thoughts but I hope is... those memories.. will no longer have a hold on my future decisions....


 

uncomfortable with the concept of 'Home'

Staying at home all day today was so very difficult. 
I had to face issues that I can normally keep at a different level because I usually have my ridiculous job to focus on.


I am left all alone with my feelings.... facing all that is within me is more frightening then any horror movie. 
 This statement is so pathetic-
I am avoiding my feelings because I am overwhelmed by them every time I am left alone with them. 
This sucks....

I hate that I can't bring myself to just 'deal'....  FUCK!!!!

Today.... was the day that dor the first time I.....

I really may mean it when I said.

"I do NOT care"









That statement makes me so very sad, I have always considered myself a caring person..... I hate being in this place.... I know that I do not belong there but I am being forces there whether I like it or not.

Leslie- remember... this may be part of that journey... 

It will just be one of the unpleasant parts of that journey.....

(I can't even convince myself today)  Nice... real nice....

"Ting"... what just fell?

my wedding ring....



There it was, on my dresser.  I had dumped out a box of my earrings to find my black pearl earrings that were going to look amazing with the outfit I had on.  I heard a distinct heavy metal hitting wood sound, there "IT" was... my wedding ring.  I had taken that ring off almost exactly a year ago- there it was... 7 years staring back at me.  I have no idea what exactly prompted me to take it with me but there the ring went on my right hand as I was racing out the door.  The ring was heavy.  I had forgotten... the weight of the white gold,  for a long time was a reminder of sharing my life with another, happiness, feeling the sun from both sides....


I took the ring on and off throughout my day.  I couldn't leave it alone.  Remembering I used to have a callus, I rubbed the fleshy part of my hand just under my left ring finger.  The callus was gone, it had been for some time.  There was an empty feeling that started in my throat and moved its way into my heart.  This feeling was coupled with flu-like symptoms and not having a significant other to take care of me...I couldn't help it... I teared up.

Unable to focus on my work, I looked up the translation for one of my favorite Juan Luis Guerra songs, Ay Mujer it had been playing at the time of my 2 second attention span...

Ay Mujer










Oh Woman                                                                       Oh woman             
Ay mujer    

(your body)  (it does)(it lacks)(it lacks already)                 I already miss your body
 tu cuerpo me hace   falta        -falta- ya

(your lips) (my refuge)                                                     Your Lips, my refuge
tus labios   mi refugio

(that)   (they leave) (drunken) (of) (so much) (kissing)      They leave me drunken   
 que me    dejan        ebrio      de     tanto       besar          overwhelmed by kisses

Ay mujer                                                                         Oh woman
Oh Woman

(your) (laughter) (my) (opportunity)                               Your laughter is my freedom
   tu        risa       mi     oportunidad                                                                   (?)

(and if not)  (you are)   (with me)                                    and if you’re not with me
   y si no         estás       conmigo

(all goes) (dying)  (and) (not) (I am able) (dreaming)       everything dies and I am unable to
 todo va muriendo   y      no     puedo         soñar            dream

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                                   Is that your love?
Es   que     tu     amor

      (remains) (large) (already) (know it)                      It mains (immeasurable),by now
Me  queda    grande,     ya         lo sé                          I know                                                                                                                                            
(is) (that) (your) (love)                                                 Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

(Itself) (multiplies) (and grows)                                    It multiplies and grows                                                Se       multiplica      y crece

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                                 Is that your love?
Es    que    tu     amor

(is the principle)   (and the final)                                  It’s principle and final
  es el principio        y el final

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                               Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

(they are born) (wings and) (flies over) (the sea)      Bearing wings and flying over the           
    le nacen           alas y      vuela sobre el mar         sea 

Ay mujer                                                                 Oh woman
Oh woman

(my shadow) (goes behind) (of ? –you-)                 My shadow itself behind you
  mi sombra    va detrás           de tí

(barefoot) (itself) (naked)                                       Barefoot and naked
descalza     se     desnuda

(and) (among) (your chest) (beginning) (to live)    a new beginning to live amongst       
   y     entre       tu pecho    comienzo    a vivir       your chest

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                         Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

    (remains) (large) (already) (know it)                 It remains (immeasurable), by now 
Me queda  grande, ya lo sé                                  I know                                                                                                                                                           
(is) (that) (your) (love)                                        Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

(itself)  (multiplies) (and)  (grows)                       It multiplies and grows
se      multiplica       y      crece

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                       Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

(is the principle)   (and the final)                          It’s principle and final 
es el principio          y el final

(is) (that) (your) (love)                                        Is that your love?
Es    que     tu     amor

(they are born)(wings and)(flies over)(the sea)     Bearing wings and flying over the sea           
    le nacen        alas y      vuela sobre el mar                            


I had needed some help with the translation so I called my Tainted Love.  In the process of asking for help, I was given an opportunity. At this opportunity I saw my Tainted Love.  It was nice to see him again.  When he spoke, of course in true Leo form he managed to complete over take the entire room with his charm.  There was another "ping" that happened to me this day.  This ping was in my heart.  I could feel myself wanting to cry.  I was so angry, "Stupid fucking asshole, why, fucking why!"  I just kept asking myself over and over.  I had to focus to regroup and get through the evening. 

By the end of the day.... I may have an opportunity to change some things in my life. 

Which I should feel better about.