Looking for Eric(a).....

This is the time of year where we as a collective society are asked to reflect on the last year.  I mostly want to dig a hole and drop my entire year into that hole and pour cement into it (you know, mafia style).

I still most days feel so very lost, alone and longing for Love.  Writing that down sounds so fucking hokey.  I cant stand that I actually admit those feelings to the public.  Yet, after all my bitching is said and done, I miss being Loved more then anything else on earth.  Even though I was not really even loved properly for the last three years, I still remember that feeling when our Love was good.  It really was like feeling the sun from both sides.

Now, I feel so hardened, lost and I am not completely for certain how I will pull off loving someone again.  I know there is a healing process and things will change... blah blah blah... its just getting a little harder each day to wake up knowing that I am alone.  Now, this is not to say I don't have offers- because I do.  I am sure I could fine a rich husband tomorrow if I really wanted that in my life.

The thing is...
Love is the only thing I have ever wanted.
Its that thing that I have been denied most of my life.

When I did have Love, I felt so complete.  No longer feeling like that broken vase that everyone has under their sink pieced together with super glue, I became invincible (or so I thought). Now I have been rendered useless.  I can no longer function as a vase, the water will no stay within me.... I cannot hold the beautiful flowers from my garden....





 Being vulnerable and knowing you are more alone then you have ever been is an awful, sinking feeling. This feelings seems to never really go away... I can only distract myself from that feeling... when I allow myself to sit alone and "feel".  I immediately want to crawl out of my skin.....