Looking for Buddha on the Bar floor....

Knowing I have to do this and really not wanting to start, I am sitting here shaking my head and smirking because deep down I actually would rather throw up then admit any of what I am planning on writing down. At this point I am able to recognize that if I don't do something- I will not make it to my 31st birthday. What I mean by this is that my life has so little meaning, my future is unforeseeable and this feeling of being utterly alone has created this oubliette within me.

I am in a little Frenchesque cafe looking at the owners little boy and seeing what should have been my little boy. That should be me scolding my son and having him lovingly roll his eyes at me (as a mother I would know that deep down, my son would be desperately needing me). That little boy is about the age that my son would have been if I would have pushed harder to start a family with my Tainted Love. (Welling up now- Leslie stop it.... Just stop it.....) Smiling to over come the tears, my thoughts wander towards reveling that our potential little boy would have been just as mischievous as the boy I am watching now. The feelings I am having now shift between joy of watching a happy mother and desperate jealously knowing that I will never have what I was currently witnessing. (At least nothing like that in the immediate future.)

So, there are many questions that I need to answer but for now I will have to ask...

What can I do with all the little jagged pieces of me that are at the bottom of the cliff?

The answer to that question may take me a lifetime to know but I am now brought to the point that I have to recognize what turns my life has taken... Which includes: more happy/fun/debaucherous moments then I had had in a very long time. Recognizing that I have missed my social being and seeing the shadow I had become..... an intervention was needed. Hitting the ground running, I rallied. I went out every night I could spare. The realization that I LOVE going out, meeting people, experiencing new places and just being out. I have many stories that will be worth repeating later on.Whether these actions I have taken will show me enlightenment, I suppose its not completely out of the question to find Buddha on the bar floor.    

Though...the pendulum has now swung in both directions, there is now a desire for balance.  I had to see the eventual tail spin quickly approaching. The fun has lost its flair and I am now staring back into my internal oubliette...

I hate, and I mean HATE what I have to admit right now today; I am impulsive, a complete commit-a-phob which goes so well with the fact that I can't stand being alone... Balance..?  (Good luck with that one.)