Recognizing the need for something else...

I spoke with my Love Lost last night.  Its nice to chat with someone who I have known for 10 years.  (Never really having anyone like that in my life, Carlo means a lot to me).  At the end of our conversation Carlo stated that  
"  you can do Leslie in Barcelona".   That made my day.  Knowing that someone else has that foresight about me.  That statement brought back my smile...


My Love Lost has been through something similar with losing someone and having all of those thoughts of the future just vanish into thin air.  Now, he is telling about that one moment where everything changed, all those happy thoughts of spending the rest of your life with someone have all been dashed against the rocks below.  I felt my own little ping of pain when hearing about this moment for him... it was my own selfishness seeping in.  I wanted to be the one who picked up the pieces of my Love Lost from the rocks.  (there will always be a piece of my heart just for him)

Heartache happens, we all know this but it had such power over our lives. My Love Lost and myself are now making the same statements, losing the love of our life has made the pathway to another love a high mountain pass which is currently closed due to the snow fall. 

My Love Lost went to China to change his future.  He told me last night that was the best thing he had ever done for himself.  Now, I may need something like that in my life.  I have always loved the Spanish guitar. One of my first memories of hearing that music was in a movie, which one.. I don't remember but I do remember the guitar.  Each cord played moved through my body.. I was very young but that was one of the first times I felt passion, joy and having something move me from within.  I was around 10 years old.

So perhaps a change in my future will then be a leap of faith to Spain. The only thing I could do there is teach english.  Now- the question becomes do I leave the career I have started here for the chance to live in Spain?  Which one of these options will give me what I truly need?  Which one will feed my soul and give me back my dynamic smile?

To Ask...

Knowing... that even still, my heart has been taken over,

My thoughts; a gray day...no one would find a four leaf clover-

The memories were a beautiful house of cards, so neatly stacked,

They have been displaced; overcome, overwrought and completely hijacked-

This obsessive process in my mind is constantly decompensated,

It has me disorganized and scattered, I just want to be medicated-

Prozac, Abilify, Morphine; any of those will due,

I am begging you please, be humane let these drugs put my heart someplace new- 

To ask Why?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask Why?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask Why?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                  To ask,
                                                                                                           To just ask...

Jaded; I now sit, looking at all the accumulation of work that needs to be done,

That old adage is true, though I no longer feel the sun-

All I can do is vacantly stare at the mountain of clothes,

My broken body, now on display; it's unclear for how many shows-

From eight thousand ninety one miles away, you sit in your plush asian seat, withholding your nearest touch-

The distance was always cumbersome for both of us but you always used it as a crutch-

Convincing myself that this was enough of a reason to leave- 

It would never hold up when you look at what Adam really did to Eve-   

To ask What if?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask What if?- You know what you put me through...
                 To ask What if?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                              To ask,
                                                                                                       To just ask...

Now, the broken parts of those minutes and months have formed into unimaginable years,

Fate has gone array, my thoughts have never wavered even through the pain and tears-

Closing my eyes, the stories that have been embedded, idealized and should've been condoned-
My love for you has been reduced to memories, that want a life of their very own-    

Those pillaged years have pasted, ten at last count,

Those years... all encompassing, all obsessing have started to surmount.-

The reminders of you are many and often,
Though I know that in your mind I am forgotten-

To ask What happened?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask What happened?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask What happened?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                       To ask,           

                                                                                                               To just ask...

Into what?  I cannot say... to utter those realities would be sacrosanct.

Wanting more then a miracle, I ask the powers to be if my cause can be highly ranked. 

Should I cross myself to save what I can?  

Do I care enough to think there is some unforeseen plan?

The dreams I used to have of us, our family, the home next to the Mediterranean,

Those dreams have been tossed down a hole, into the blackness of the subterranean-

I leave all of this history now with painstaking regret,

Standing on the very edge, I look into the infinite blackness of the oubliette-   

To ask Will you ever?- What a silly thing to do...
         To ask Will you ever?- You know what you put me through...
                  To ask Will you ever?- The thoughts of old, hide all that is new...
                                                                                                          To ask,
                                                                                                                 To just ask...

 

Understanding that our history was never fully written or recognized,

I am left with nothing, only a heart that will never again be whole or fully realized-

I love you, I love you, I love you- I will always love you beyond my dying day,

On that day you shall receive a token from me to remind you of all I could not say-

My heart will never mend from this desecration,

Perhaps one hope is that this emotional homage will be my salvation-

To ask... I will no longer do such a thing,

Perhaps that will be the remedy I need knowing there will never be a wedding ring-

To ask...

            To just ask....

 

Believing in Fate and Miracles

Miracles... they really do happen everyday....  

I have always thought that in life there are miracles... fate will intervene when needed and all this can happen effortlessly through attempting some sort of balance within your life.  All of this is in accordance with HOW you live your life.
  
So, my thinking then becomes how often is this balance resorted, maintained, groomed ect...

I have had several instances where the only explanation would be this "  balancing act"     or fate or miracles or.....  (karma)

I was buying groceries from Whole Foods, not much.  As I was checking out I realized that I had forgot my wallet.  My day had been so fast pasted I didn't even realize that I left the house without it.  I had some cash with me and I was just going to put some things back when a voice from behind me stated, "Hey, don't worry about it,  I will pay for them."  I could not believe it.  He just swiped his card, before I even had a chance to say Thank you, but....  All I could do was thank him for his generosity (It felt like I said thank you a hundred times.)  I asked him his name, in a very soft voice the stranger stated "Damir".  I thanked him again and one of the cashiers said, "Pay it forward"...  I told them quickly what I do for a living and the stranger stated that he was a special educator in an inner city school.  The stranger said that we were similar souls...



I ended up crying on the way home.  I was overwhelmed by this single act of kindness.  It really is so amazing what one small gesture can do that will in turn impact a person for a life time.

I will never forget that stranger's kindness to another complete stranger....

Looking for Eric(a).....

This is the time of year where we as a collective society are asked to reflect on the last year.  I mostly want to dig a hole and drop my entire year into that hole and pour cement into it (you know, mafia style).

I still most days feel so very lost, alone and longing for Love.  Writing that down sounds so fucking hokey.  I cant stand that I actually admit those feelings to the public.  Yet, after all my bitching is said and done, I miss being Loved more then anything else on earth.  Even though I was not really even loved properly for the last three years, I still remember that feeling when our Love was good.  It really was like feeling the sun from both sides.

Now, I feel so hardened, lost and I am not completely for certain how I will pull off loving someone again.  I know there is a healing process and things will change... blah blah blah... its just getting a little harder each day to wake up knowing that I am alone.  Now, this is not to say I don't have offers- because I do.  I am sure I could fine a rich husband tomorrow if I really wanted that in my life.

The thing is...
Love is the only thing I have ever wanted.
Its that thing that I have been denied most of my life.

When I did have Love, I felt so complete.  No longer feeling like that broken vase that everyone has under their sink pieced together with super glue, I became invincible (or so I thought). Now I have been rendered useless.  I can no longer function as a vase, the water will no stay within me.... I cannot hold the beautiful flowers from my garden....





 Being vulnerable and knowing you are more alone then you have ever been is an awful, sinking feeling. This feelings seems to never really go away... I can only distract myself from that feeling... when I allow myself to sit alone and "feel".  I immediately want to crawl out of my skin.....

I mean....Really?

So....

If I live through this year, there will be one hell of a story tell the grandkids that may never be....

Here is something that I wrote on Thanksgiving... (Truth- the shock has still not worn off)

My entire life I have believed in love.  The love you have for a friend, for your family and for the one.  Loving with a rogue, reckless abandonment style I caused me much grief and heartache through out the years.  The one love that I thought I was always going to be able to count on was the love of my mother and father.  This love is supposed to be bottomless, unconditional and above all place where you learn how to love. 

Being verbally slapped in the face hurts more then the real thing.  Hearing what I was told today made me feel orphaned.  I have said on more then one occasion that my mother is crazy, but I have to say no matter how upset/angry/homicidal I was with/at her I always had love at the base of all my statements which, yes I get sounds off- but it's true.  I would then always try very hard to find the positives and make statements to replace all my negative thoughts. 

Knowing what I know now, will forever change this process.  I get that we all say things in anger and mean about half of what we say.  The line I had drawn in the sand was crossed in an unforgivable way today.  This was originally a very forgiving and understanding line, it was not very deep or ridged.  With age, I had even erased on occasion because of what my mother had been through this past year.  I wanted so badly to believe that it was just her circumstances for why I was at times treated the way I was. Each time I let the line slide, I was always reminded by my mother why I had the line in the first place.  This was the dance that had been happening in our relationship- waning-very taxing. 



The proverbial straw came today.  I had figured that my mother was not ever going to take my divorce well, with all the displacement of her own issues along with the crush of her own dreams (grandchildren) I was going to have to weather the storm.  Yes, there were two separate phone conversations where I lost it on my mother.  Yelling, screaming, digging a trench in the sand where the light line had been drawn.  There was still love there, I would always call back to make sure my mother was ok because in the end...

I love her- she is my mom.

I heard...  what my mother had actually said.   My own mother told people that the divorce was my fault, I was self absorbed and selfish, I didn't work on the relationship, my new friends are all bad influences in my life and they also helped with the downfall of my marriage.  My mom knows why I am getting divorced.  Its all about each person's happiness and recognizing that in the current state I was with with my ex we were going to end up hating each other... thus, the separation and inevitable divorce.  We don't hate each other, we are working on being friends and we are still supporting each other (like adults)-

Then the kicker, my mother went to the basement of her home and stood in front this very large book collection for children and stated, "I collected/made all of this for my grandchildren, What the hell am I going to do with all of this now I am never going to have any grandchildren?"  ( I never asked her to do any of this)
I was a little taken aback that she also thinks I am an alcoholic and my mother managed to throw my father under the bus blaming him for my divorce as well.  There was more to all the this information I received but the initial shock that I was experiencing blurred the rest of the conversation.  I can however say for certain, there was nothing flattering about the rest of the conversation. 

            The fucking grand canyon is now the line between my mother and myself....

Now that I have been processing all this information, my emotional train wreck of a childhood makes more sense. (If you asked my mother about my childhood... she was a saint and did all that she could for me.  Which, I know she believes. I will not take that away from her.  I will however stand solidly for my side of the story regardless of the fall out that may happen.)  All I was ever looking for was unconditional love.  Knowing that my mother's love is conditional and my father (during my childhood) was emotionally unavailable molded my emotional neediness and constant search for affections.  Which we all know where young girls look for affections, particularly when the girls are very pretty.... boys.  The chain reaction of events that happened to me caused insurmountable damage that has taken me a decade to address.

The unbelievable amount of distrust that was build from that hour conversation may last a life time.  Never thinking that I would ever be pushed to this type of decision with my Mother... For now, all I know is what my anger wants me to do right now...

 I want to be vengeful, cruel and teach her a lesson,  but I also have the knowledge as a therapist to know that all of those things will never really help or make me feel better.  I will continue to love my Mother from a distance.  I will ALWAYS and I mean always love my Mom.... it will just have to be in a way that helps us both grow and move towards positive change.

I do Love you Moomers.... (no matter what you think)