It is offically.... Done.

A letter came today in the mail:

Williamport PA

18 MAR 2011 PM


I had no idea what the letter could be.
I opened it half expecting another parking ticket from god knows where.


IN THE COURT OF COMMON PLEASE OF POTTER COUNTY, PENNSYLVANIA

DECREE

AND     NOW       MAR  18    2011     ,    it is ordered and decreed that Plaintiff and Defendant are divorced from the bonds of matrimony. 

This journey is over.  It is actually over.  I immediately teared up as I read those words.  I re-read the letter to be sure I understood what the letter actually said.  (I think for a split second I had hoped that something had went wrong and the divorce was not finalized.  Reading very slowly for a third time, it sank in... "divorced from the bonds of matrimony".

For the first time since 2003 I was single [I guess the term would actually be divorced].  My stomach turned... nauseated... I felt a little light headed.  For a moment I thought that I was going to pass out.  Why?  Why am i having these reactions?  We had separated a year ago and the marriage had been falling apart for the previous 2 years. 

It is the official END. The end to so many things I have come to realize today.  I grew so much in my marriage... I experienced so much; different counties, different types of love, struggle, true adulthood, sharing your entire life with another person, knowing every last intimate detail of another human being, understanding devotion, deep trust, broken trust, learning to problem solve as a unit, being there for another person no matter what, moving 2000 miles, being pushed beyond my limits and then that person asks for more... which I always gave, supporting someone wholeheartedly-without thinking twice, being able to be completely yourself-never thinking twice if that person was judging you......

So.... what went wrong?  My Tainted Love and I had lunch today because the paperwork had come in the mail.  We were both sad.  It was good to talk to him.  I looked into his eyes and tried to find the answers I was looking for.....  I did not find the answers I wanted.  (it was as if I was being rejected all over again) 

What do I do now?