(Camus)
Today... I think I finally felt what it was like to 'live to the point of tears'....
There was a meeting today... I had a gut feeling that it was not going to go well... BUT... I had no idea that I would want to jump off the white cliffs afterward...
This meeting was for my current job position, the meeting was to discuss issues with paperwork and obtaining hours. This is a meeting that happens every so often to keep all the staff on track. However, I was shocked to learn that over the course of 5 months I had accumulatively been short 91.25 hours. I had been working my ass off for so long and the months I was most behind in hours were the months that I had been dealing with a separation, moving (3 times), deathly ill, dealing with my crazy mother, my father almost died in a motorcycle accident, my car would not work on at least a couple of occasions at that time and truth be told... countless other issues that I just took with a grain of salt because.. well, I HAD too. Christmas was overall good... I still didn't feel like that is what Christmas should be, and I am just now getting back on track and I am feeling worse then ever.
I have been on the verge of tears this entire day. It all started with the work meeting this morning. I felt like such a FUCKING failure today. I can't believe that I work as hard as I do and what do I have to show for it?... I can't pay my bills, I am exhausted and I look like shit,.....
All I think about is work... dedication, tears, loyalty and what was the message I got....
work more, work harder, be more creative ooo yeah and by the I the higher ups really don't give a shit and the expectation is to work harder not smarter... save the agency... no matter what...
Today... I think I finally felt what it was like to 'live to the point of tears'....
There was a meeting today... I had a gut feeling that it was not going to go well... BUT... I had no idea that I would want to jump off the white cliffs afterward...
This meeting was for my current job position, the meeting was to discuss issues with paperwork and obtaining hours. This is a meeting that happens every so often to keep all the staff on track. However, I was shocked to learn that over the course of 5 months I had accumulatively been short 91.25 hours. I had been working my ass off for so long and the months I was most behind in hours were the months that I had been dealing with a separation, moving (3 times), deathly ill, dealing with my crazy mother, my father almost died in a motorcycle accident, my car would not work on at least a couple of occasions at that time and truth be told... countless other issues that I just took with a grain of salt because.. well, I HAD too. Christmas was overall good... I still didn't feel like that is what Christmas should be, and I am just now getting back on track and I am feeling worse then ever.
I have been on the verge of tears this entire day. It all started with the work meeting this morning. I felt like such a FUCKING failure today. I can't believe that I work as hard as I do and what do I have to show for it?... I can't pay my bills, I am exhausted and I look like shit,.....
All I think about is work... dedication, tears, loyalty and what was the message I got....
work more, work harder, be more creative ooo yeah and by the I the higher ups really don't give a shit and the expectation is to work harder not smarter... save the agency... no matter what...
This no way to fucking live...
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