(I have to remember that it is ok to "go there" sometimes)
There are days when it still hurts. Those days are the one's where I would give anything to have a person at home to share my woes with.....that person that I should have started a family with... that person that was suppose to be my should to cry on.... the one who promised to love me through sickness and in health to death do us part....
Those are my lonely days, though I do not have them as often, they still hurt. Those days are when I feel most defeated... I know this is part of the process but to have to go through each one knowing it's still not really over.
These days also seem to have a lingering affect... These days are usually triggered by a series of events that include: I have contacted several friends and they all are busy or don't get back to me, the thought of going into my current dysfunctional living situation makes want to throw myself from the Ben Franklin.... and the last lovely trigger- toddlers. I am having such a difficult time dealing with the fact that I spent seven years with someone and we never started a family. (and I get that I came off "clean") but that has not changed my inability to cope seeing happy children with their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters.....
But in the end, that is my reality and I have to bare witness to my sadness and my loss.... because it is MINE. I own it- those feelings cannot be projected on to others, it cannot just be stuffed away, it cannot pretend to be something else... I have to look at those emotions in their raw, naked state.
And... I HAVE to be ok with all of that....
There are days when it still hurts. Those days are the one's where I would give anything to have a person at home to share my woes with.....that person that I should have started a family with... that person that was suppose to be my should to cry on.... the one who promised to love me through sickness and in health to death do us part....
Those are my lonely days, though I do not have them as often, they still hurt. Those days are when I feel most defeated... I know this is part of the process but to have to go through each one knowing it's still not really over.
These days also seem to have a lingering affect... These days are usually triggered by a series of events that include: I have contacted several friends and they all are busy or don't get back to me, the thought of going into my current dysfunctional living situation makes want to throw myself from the Ben Franklin.... and the last lovely trigger- toddlers. I am having such a difficult time dealing with the fact that I spent seven years with someone and we never started a family. (and I get that I came off "clean") but that has not changed my inability to cope seeing happy children with their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters.....
But in the end, that is my reality and I have to bare witness to my sadness and my loss.... because it is MINE. I own it- those feelings cannot be projected on to others, it cannot just be stuffed away, it cannot pretend to be something else... I have to look at those emotions in their raw, naked state.
And... I HAVE to be ok with all of that....
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